Leonard: Well, uh, okay, um, I dont want to get back together with Penny. We tried it, it was crazy, it didn't work, but I can't deal with the fact that she slept with my friend Raj. And then I find out that Raj's sister Priya, who I've been going out with for eight months, is moving back to India. So I'm just completely confused and alone.
Beverly Hofstadter: I understand.
Leonard: Got any advice?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. Buck up.
Leonard: Excuse me. You're a world-renowned expert in parenting and child development, and all you've got is buck up?
Beverly Hofstadter: Sorry. Buck up, sissy pants.

Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.

Amy: A guest in my trundle bed and a boy at my door. I wish I could tell thirteen-year-old me it does get better.

Sheldon: If it's good enough for Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo it's good enough for me.

Amy: You can't blame yourself. When your pre-frontal cortex fails to make you happy, promiscuity rewards you with the needed flood of Dopamine. We neurobiologists refer to it as the skank reflex.

Sheldon: If I could I would, but I can't so I shan't.

Penny: Coming. Yup, that's good. Wine glasses should have handles. (Answers the door to Amy)
Amy: Keeping accurate track of your alcohol intake. Smart idea considering how trampy you get when you've had a few.
Penny: You heard what I did?
Amy: I heard who you did.

Bernadette: (Yelling at Raj) I'M NICE TO EVERYONE!

Sheldon: Geology isn't a real science!

Raj: You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like ruining ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

Leonard: How could you not tell me your sister was moving back to India?
Howard: Maybe he was too busy writing clumsy penis metaphors about my fiancee.
Raj: Screw you, that was a beautifully-written penis metaphor.

Sheldon: If there is ever a church of Sheldon, it started here.

Amy: Don't be so hard on yourself. Do you know the story of Catherine The Great?
Penny: No.
Amy: She ruled Russia in the late 1700s and one night when she was feeling particularly randy she used an intricate system of pullies to have intimate relations with a horse.

Beverly Hofstadter: If you need any more help from me, my books are available on Amazon. Logging off.

Sheldon: Whenever you're ready, AT&T!

Beverly Hofstadter: Hello, dear.
Leonard: You called my mother?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, is it really necessary to caption the obvious?
Beverly Hofstadter: He's been like that since he was a toddler. Look, Mommy, a butterfly. Maddening.

Beverly Hofstadter: Sheldon informed me that you're experiencing an emotional upheaval, and I'm here to help.
Leonard: That's so nice.
Beverly Hofstadter: And we're back to the obvious. Now, what's up?

Raj: Oh, good. Um, can I tell people that our love burned too bright and too quickly? Kind of a Candle in the Wind deal?
Penny: Sure.
Raj: Cool. Can I say it fell apart because you were all, I want to have your babies, and I was like, Im too rock and roll to be tied down?
Penny: No.
Raj: Can I say I ruined you for white men?
Penny: Also no.
Raj: Okay, just the candle thing.
Penny: Yeah.

Penny: Well, I already talked to Raj, but I wanted to apologize to the rest of you for, you know, everything.
Raj: Please, Penny, let me. We've decided to let our crazy, wonderful night together be just one of those memories you have and can call to mind when you're feeling blue or you're in the shower. (places a hand on Penny's shoulder)
Penny: Hey, what you doing, Quick Draw?
Raj: Sorry. Go on.

Leonard: I'd like to propose a toast to the man whose noble sacrifice inspired our victory, Captain Sheldon Cooper.
Howard: Here, here.
Sheldon: Excuse me. It's Major Sheldon Cooper. With my last breath, I awarded myself a battlefield promotion. It's kind of a big deal.

Leonard: You know what, guys, I'm not in the mood for paintball. What do you say we just bag it?
Howard: Fine with me.
Raj: Sure, whatever.
Sheldon: You can't quit. That’s a court-martial offense. That's punishable by … You can't quit.

Leonard: Hang on, Sheldon. How could you not tell me your sister was moving back to India?
Howard: Maybe he was too busy writing clumsy penis metaphors about my fiancee.
Raj: Screw you. That was a beautifully written penis metaphor.

Sheldon: Okay, here we go. This is us here. To the south is Professor Loomis and the Geology Department. According to their Twitter feed, they're out of sunblock, which means they'll have to hug the tree line or risk melanoma. That's our edge. All we have to do is move quickly over this ridge, the rock-worshipping pasty-faced bastards won't know what hit them. All right, let's move out.

Raj: After we got undressed and jumped in bed, you, you asked if I had protection.
Penny: Oh, you did, didn't you?
Raj: Of course. I'm always packing. Anyway, um, I had trouble putting it on and you tried to help and, that was all she wrote.
Penny: So, we didn't actually
Raj: I did. It was beautiful.

Raj: Well, uh, as your friend, you might like to know that, um, we didn't have sex in the conventional sense.
Penny: Oh, God. Did you pull some weird Indian crap on me?

Penny: Maybe I should just move back to Nebraska.
Amy: No, I can't let you do that.
Penny: Why not?
Amy: For the first time ever, I have a thriving social life. And no pressure, but it kind of lives and dies with you.

Penny: You know, I don't even know what the point of me staying in L.A. is. I haven't gotten a single acting job since I moved out here. The closest I came was last month, I got a callback for a hemorrhoid commercial.
Amy: Oh, I could so see you being the face of hemorrhoids.
Penny: I know, right?

Leonard: Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?
Sheldon: Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can't see you.

Penny: You know what? Let's get out of here.
Amy: Where are we going?
Penny: Somewhere where no one's seen me naked. We may have to drive awhile.

Penny: You know, I've done this before. In kindergarten, I was supposed to marry Jason Sorensen at recess, but by the time my class got out there, he was already engaged to Chelsea Himmelfarb. So what did I do? Hung upside down from the monkey bars, let all the boys see my underpants.

Penny: Oh, my God, I screwed up everything. I hurt Leonard, I hurt Raj, I mean, what is wrong with me? I feel like two totally different people, Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Whore.

Leonard: Raj, come on. You fall in love with any girl who smiles at you. A month ago, you were writing poems about his fiancee.
Howard: I'm sorry. What?
Raj: Rubbish. He's talking rubbish.
Leonard: Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.
Raj: That could have been about anyone. Besides, you have nothing to worry about, because now I'm the dusky half of Koothrapenny.

Howard: You're not in love with Penny.
Raj: Yes, I am. The god Kamadeva has shot us with his flowery arrows of love.
Howard: Who?
Raj: He's the Hindu version of Cupid, but way better, because he rides a giant parrot.

Raj: You're just jealous because it turns out I'm Penny's number two choice after Leonard.
Howard: Hey, if I wasn't engaged to Bernadette, that totally could have been me.
Leonard: Please. Sheldon would have been before you, and he might not even have genitals.

Sheldon: That sounds like sarcasm, but I'm going to disregard it, because I have an agenda. Paintball. Specifically, the interdepartmental tournament this weekend. Now, in order to function better as a fighting unit, I thought we should establish a chain of command. Now, it goes without saying that I would outrank the three of you, but the question remains, by how much? Now, I don't see me as some four-star general, back at HQ riding a desk and playing golf with the Secretary of Defense. But I also can't be Sergeant Cooper, because that might lead you to think of me as just a regular Joe. This might take some thought. As you were.

Sheldon: Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that's what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let's put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third world hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out his food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj's anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That's a true blue friend.
Leonard: They slept together, Sherlock.
Sheldon: No, you weren't listening. She said, it's not what it looks like.
Leonard: She lied.
Sheldon: Oh. Well don't I look silly sitting here wearing this?

Sheldon: What about Nebraska?
Penny: Oh hell with Nebraska. I'm gonna be a star!