Bernadette: I told you you shouldn't have espresso after dinner. I know the little cups make you feel big but it's not worth it.

Sheldon: Did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy.
Penny: Party's over. Party's over.

Sheldon: What can I do for you ladies?
Amy: You have something we want.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.
Penny: No, we just want information.
Sheldon: Oh. I've got that spades. Ravage me.

Howard: It's ridiculous that we still have to walk up all these stairs.
Bernadette: Yeah, try doing it in heels.
Howard: I am.

Howard: You know what we should do? We should show the closet to Sheldon.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Are you kidding? He’s like a savant at organizing. Everything in his apartment has a label on it. Including his label maker, which has a label that says label maker. And if you look really close at that label maker label, you’ll see a label that says label.

Leonard: Where have you been?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, if I was prone to sarcasm I'd say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.
Leonard: (Counts to 10 and takes a breath) What I meant was, gee Sheldon! You were gone a long time!

Sheldon: I found three bowling pins. Do you juggle these or are you missing seven?
Howard: Juggle.
Sheldon: You health nuts kill me.

Sheldon: Is there any reason you're keeping this dead goldfish?
Penny: Damn, I forgot to feed him. And that I had him.

Bernadette: You can't just throw everything in the closet.
Howard: Hey, you can tell me what to do and how to do it, but not both at the same time. This isn't sex.

Bernadette: He's our guest. We can't just ask him to straighten our closet.

Howard: No, we wouldn't ask him. We'd just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there.

Penny: The letter was found in Bernadette's closet. Doesn't that count for something?
Sheldon: Are you pointing out that California is a community property state and since Howard and Bernadette are married the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?
Penny: Yeah, obviously.
Sheldon: Well played. Sometimes I don't give you enough credit, Penny.

Sheldon: I was actually trapped by Penny and forced into reveleaing confidential information about Howard's father.
Leonard: What information?
Sheldon: I can't tell you, I'm bound by closet organizer-organizee confidentiality.
Raj: Just tell us.
Sheldon: Badgering me won't work. What would work is saying Penny would tell us anyway.
Leonard: Then that.
Sheldon: Very well. Everyone's on their game today.

Bernadette: Sheldon, I've been cooking all day.
Sheldon: Well, now don't you feel silly.
Bernadette: (To Howard) Show him the closet.

Penny: Sheldon, aren't you going to spend a little time with Amy?
Amy: Oh, it's okay, I'm used to it. The other day at Whole Foods, he spent an entire hour optimizing the cheese aisle.
Sheldon: Yeah, and some thanks I got. The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami.

Sheldon: You know, surprisingly, the letter from your father wasn't the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette's diary has some saucy passages.
Bernadette: Sheldon, don't you dare.
Sheldon: There's nothing to worry about. Your secret's safe with me.
Bernadette: That's more like it.
Sheldon: Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.