Bernadette: Aww, Raj did the dishes.
Howard: How do you know I didn't do them?
Bernadette: Because once when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your keys.

Penny: (To Raj's dog) Bark once if you need me to call PETA.

Wil Wheaton: Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek.
Sheldon: How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn't relate to that?

Sheldon: No, that's okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn't that right, Bawwy?
Barry Kripke: Is that a reference to my speech impediment? That's pretty hurtful. I can't control it.
Sheldon: You're right. That was uncalled for. I take it back.
Barry Kripke: Of course you do, because you're The Retractor!

Barry Kripke: Cooper, maybe physics just isn't your thing. Have you ever considered a career in retail? Then you could take things back for a living.

Raj: Sheldon, I think you might find the support you're looking for if you realize relationships are a give and take. She can only be there for you as much as you are for her.
Amy: Thank you, Rajesh.
Raj: And Amy, you need to be patient with Sheldon and stop pressuring him into accepting intimacy on your terms.
Amy: You should probably go.

Penny: You know if we did a shot every time they said something embarassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.
Amy: Little early for alcohol, isn't it?
Sheldon: (On the radio) You know, I don't just say smart things about science, I also yodel. *Yodelling*
Amy: I'll get the vodka.

Sheldon: Right now I'm having a rough time because there's three people in my room and it's starting to feel like a discotheque.

Amy: Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wish you never did.
Wil Wheaton: Yeah, I know a little something about that.
Sheldon: Nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad.
Wil Wheaton: I remember why it's been a while.

Sheldon: What's that animal doing in our apartment?
Leonard: She's in her crate, she can't get out.
Sheldon: I have two words for you: Jurassic Park.

Amy: Sheldon, the point is Wil learned to embrace that part of his life and moved on to bigger and better things.
Wil Wheaton: Yeah, I'm an author now, I do public speaking and I have my own web series about board games.
Amy: (To Wil) We're trying to cheer up him.

Raj: Sit, you look like you've had a long day.
Howard: Naw, she always looks like that. ... Because she married an idiot.

Penny: It's like if you're dating someone you're not that into and then they break up with you. Then you want them more than ever.
Sheldon: I have no idea what she's talking about, but we're ganging up on you so I agree.

Penny: How can you not be happy? You're tall, thin and famous. ... Oh my God, I'm jealous of Sheldon.

Raj: There's also a time to stop eating so many jelly beans. And it's when you're ten!

Sheldon: I don't need to sit here and take this, Flatow. It's because of bullies like you that everyday more and more Americans are making the switch to television.

Sheldon: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.
Penny: You clearly haven't been with me at Mardi Gras.

Wil Wheaton: Well not everybody felt that way. A lot of people really hated the character and some of them hated me because of it. I would do interviews and people would be mean to me.
Sheldon: That just happened to me. Next time you're stuck for a tweet, feel free to say what a jerk Ira Flatow is.

Sheldon: *On the phone with President Siebert* For your information, I have nine friends. Ten if we include you. ... Nine it is.
Sheldon: It's ten. I'll count Wolowitz.

Barry Kripke: There he is! It's my favorite superhero, The Retractor.

Sheldon: This day just keeps on getting worse and worse.
Penny: You know, if it makes you feel any better ...
Sheldon: It probably won't.
Penny: You're probably right.

Sheldon: To really understand the story here, we need to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas where a young genuis named -
Leonard: - Sheldon!
Sheldon: Yes, that's right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbor's dog, leading to his first scientific break through: the Doggy Death Ray. Which sadly he couldn't build because Santa wouldn't bring him enriched uranium.

Ira Flatow: You know, I'd really like to hear from Dr. Hofstadter if it's all right with you.
Sheldon: What a surprise. Did you invite me back just so you could ignore me.
Ira Flatow: Actually, I didn't invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I'm not comfortable with confrontation.

Ira Flatow: Some people in the science community are calling it the wonder blunder.
Sheldon: Who? Give my their names! I bet it's Wolowitz.

Sheldon: Yes, I'd be a physicist with a Nobel Prize in chemistry. Everyone laugh at the circus freak.

Sheldon: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. It stops at Fraudville, Wonder-Blunder-Berg and Kansas City, because it's a hub.

Amy: *knocks* Sheldon, can I come in?
Sheldon: Do you have cookies?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Good, because I don't deserve cookies. Come in.

Raj: Hey, when you got home today and complained about feeling sick from eating too many jelly beans, did I tell you how to fix it? No. I said "Aww, that must hurt." and I rubbed your belly.
Howard: I thought of you (Bernadette), the whole time.

Sheldon: Thank you. Ira, if I may, I'd like to aplogize for my behavior last week. Now, isn't there something you'd like to say to me?
Ira Flatow: No.

Ira Flatow: This is Science Friday, I'm Ira Flatow. My guest today is responsible for the discovery of the first stable super-heavy element.
Sheldon: Thank you. The university made me come here, I didn't want to. Big fan of the show.