Howard: Just for the record, we're not in an ersatz homosexual relationship.
Raj: Well, then why didn't you say that to her?
Howard: Why is it always my responsibility?
Raj: It's not always your responsibility. I swear, this is the same thing you did at the comic book store last week.
Howard: I can't believe you're bringing that up.
Raj: I didn't bring it up. You did.
Howard: We'll talk about this later.
Raj: You always say that, but we never do.

Raj: Amy, good luck getting these guys excited about a dinner with a theme. I gave up when no one cared about my Tom Hanks-Giving.

Raj: Oh man, first monster I see I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand and shoot my magic all over his ass!
Stuart: Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

Raj: Doesn't anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you've got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me.
Stuart: Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

Beverly Hofstadter: It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard: Say what?

Leonard: She's only been here a day and a half, and I'm seriously considering alcoholism as a new career path.
Penny: Hey, I talked to her for five minutes yesterday, and I've been half bombed ever since.

Penny: I'm curious. What was Leonard like when he was little?
Beverly Hofstadter: I think you mean young. He's always been little.