Sheldon: I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.
Howard: I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file.

Howard: I don't like to kiss and tell, but somebody made it to eighth base.
Leonard: What the hell is eighth base?
Howard: Seventh base with shirt off. Well, my shirt.

Howard: Let me show you another way to look at this. Here we have the universe of all women. These are the ones you want to sleep with. These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. And right there in the little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.

Howard: Hey, you know what'd be a great idea? We get some girls over here and play Laser Obstacle Strip Chess.
Leonard: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that, you don't want to see naked.
Howard: You underestimate me.

Penny: Well, it's a little juvenile. I mean, it kind of looks like the MySpace page of a 13-year-old girl.
Leonard: No, it doesn't.
Howard: Please, Dateline could use it to attract predators.

Leonard: Here you go. Oh, you owe me another two dollars. The price of mu-shu pork went up.
Howard: It's getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew.

Penny: Oh, Howard, I can't believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dickey.
Howard: Excuse me, my girlfriend doesn't pick out my clothes. My mother does.

Howard: I wish my mom was here. We could all hang out in her shadow.

Sheldon: All right, what if we use this two-inch PVC to reinforce the center cross-support?
Howard: No good. I mean, it might work for the Japanese and the Americans, but have you seen the size of the Russians they've got up there? The thing has to hold up against a hearty potato-based diet.

Howard: But don't you think it will be different when the child is ours?
Bernadette: Right, when it's our kid that has ruined my body, and kept me up all night, and I've got no career and no future, and nothing to be happy about for the next twenty years. Sure, that'll be completely different.
Howard: Well, yeah.

Leonard: I'm thinking one way to counter bias in the peer-review process is for papers to be submitted under gender-neutral names. Like S. Smith instead of Samantha Smith.
Sheldon: I supposed there is a history for professional women using their initials so as not to be pre-judged. Harry Potter's J.K. Rowling, Star Trek's D.C. Fontana.
Howard: Van Nuys pole dancer D.D. Melons.

Leonard: It's nice of your old school to let us try out our science talk on some female students.
Howard: Well, they're actually pretty excited. I'm their most famous alum. If you don't count the serial killer who ate all those prostitutes.

Howard: Bernie's a little cranky since she's been working, like, seventeen hours a day. And I've got a lot on my plate, too, because I've been busting my tail playing Assassin's Creed.

Leonard: Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?
Howard: Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.

Leonard: I gave it a lot of thought and I decided it was time for us to live together.
Howard: Leonard, huge mistake. There's a whole buffet of women out there and you're just standing in the corner eating the same devilled egg over and over again.