Howard: The other astronauts are being mean to me.
Bernadette: What are they doing?
Howard: Well, like for instance, the other day when I was asleep, one of the guys went on a space walk and glued a big-eyed rubber alien mask to the outside of my window. When I woke up, I screamed for like nine minutes.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie.
Howard: You can see it if you want. It's on YouTube. Google astronaut screams for nine minutes.

Sheldon: It's been three days. Why hasn't Stephen Hawking played a word?
Raj: The guy's a genius. Maybe you weren't challenging enough for him?
Sheldon: Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.
Howard: There's the problem. You can't beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose. Everyone knows the guy's a big baby. I mean, forget the wheelchair, he should be in a stroller.

Howard: One time when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in The Matrix. I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting. So I looked it up online and showed him. Well, the next day, he had a pizza party, and everyone got invited but me. And then he was all, your invitation must have gotten lost in the matrix.

Sheldon: Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means?
Howard: That somewhere right now Stephen Hawking is saying, "Damn it, I mean to click no."

Howard: When this is all blows over, remember that voice. It's kind of a turn-on.
Bernadette: It turns you on when I sound like Raj?

Raj: Hey, I just found out that I have to be at the telescope lab all weekend. Any chance you and Bernadette could take care of my dog?
Howard: Why don't you put her in a kennel?
Raj: Why don't you put your mother in a home?
Howard: To be honest, she'd do better in the kennel.

Raj: Howard built a sex robot.
Howard: That is not true. All I did was build a robot.
Ms. Davis: Did it have six breasts?
Howard: I'm sorry, I'm a feminist, I don't notice things like how many breasts a robot has.

Sheldon: He wrote back! "Cooper and Hofstadter resorting to juvenile attempts at humor is proof they have nothing to back up their ridiculous paper. It should come as no surprise given they work at Cal-Tech, essentially a technical school where even the physicists are basically engineers".
Oh, engineers. Do you know how insulting that is?
Howard: Yes.

Raj: All the other comments said really nice things. Focus on those.
Howard: Yeah. Dr. Dimitri Plankovic of Moscow University said "This paper great. I love it more than vodka."
Raj: See, better with the accent.

Bernadette: How you doing, Howie? You feeling a little better?
Howard: Oh, a lot better, thanks. One sec. Listen close, I don't have a lot of time. I need you to go to my house. In my bedroom, you'll find a model rocket. I want you to take it and bring it back to your place.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: Step two, build a version roughly fourteen stories high. Fill it full of rocket fuel and come get me. I'll leave the door unlocked.
Bernadette: Howie, honey, maybe you should talk to someone, let them know you're having a little anxiety.
Howard: No, no, I'm fine. No anxiety. We should probably talk in code. From now on, frog is me, sandwich means you and lemon means rocket. So, come on, sandwich, build me a lemon 'cause froggy wants to come home.

Howard: Well, remember the Soyuz capsule they were sending to bring us home?
Bernadette: Uh huh.
Howard: It's delayed. We're gonna be here for at least another week. Maybe ten days. It's the Russians, so you don't know. They left dogs up here in the sixties.

Howard: I really miss gravity. Can you drop something so I can watch it fall?
Bernadette: Really, you're serious? Okay.
Howard: Oh, baby, you're killing me.

Howard: Oh, you like to fish?
Mike Rostenkowski: Yes.
Howard: Sure. I can hear it in your voice.
Mrs. Rostenkowski: Oh, if he didn't like it, he wouldn't go.
Howard: You know, I hadn't thought of that.

Raj: That's good quality video.
Howard: It better be. It's the same camera for the Mars rover.
Raj: How did you get your hands on that?
Howard: Million dollar camera. Ten dollar lock.

Howard: Forty-three. What is forty-three? Besides my mom's neck size.
Raj: It's the atomic number for technetium.
Howard: That stuff's radioactive.
Raj: Do you think he's building a bomb?
Howard: It took him two years to put together that Lego Death Star. I'm not worried.