Leonard: Remember the day we first met and you asked me to go to your boyfriend's apartment to get your TV back? And he was 9 feet tall and he took my pants off and you said- What was that? What did you say? Oh, yes, you said you owed me one.
Penny: Oh, come on, that's not fair.
Leonard: I came home with no pants.

Sheldon: What did the toaster oven ever do to you?
Leonard: What did I do to Jimmy Mullins in the third grade? He still punched me in the face with my own fists. Sorry, you little nerd. You were just in the wrong boys' room at the wrong time.

Leonard: Okay, I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't wanna go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, news flash, lady: David Underhill is 10 times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike into his head for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I'm one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is what's up with that?
Penny: (tearfully) Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard: Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Never mind, we're cool.

Leonard: By the way, my leg is killing me. Thanks for asking.

Penny: (To David) Usually the physicists I know are indoors-y and pale.
Leonard: I'm not indoors-y. I just wear the appropriate sun block because I don't take melanoma lightly.

Leonard: What are you looking at? You've never seen a hypocrite before?

Leonard: Here's my home number, here's my cell, here's my office, here's my parents' number up in New Jersey, they always know how to reach me.

Howard: New pants?
Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got them for me.
Howard: Nice. Cotton?
Leonard: Actually, I think it's more of a wool-fire ant blend.

Leonard: Where's my Bat Signal?
Penny: You have a Bat Signal?
Leonard: I did. It was right here. She must have- Oh, my God, we're living together.

Sheldon: I've never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Leonard: She doesn't like you.

Leonard: Just out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you?
Stephanie: Are you insane, the guy was wearing an eyepatch.
Leonard: So, then why did you--
Stephanie: He said I could drive a car on Mars!

Leonard: What about you, Stuart? Do you have a girlfriend yet?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I met her at Comic-con. The one place in the world where saying, "I own a comic book store", is an actual pick-up line.
Leonard: Oh, well, good for you.
Stuart: Not really, she's horrible. When she wants to have sex, she puts on her plus-size Wonder Woman costume and shouts, "Who wants to take a ride in my invisible plane?"
Leonard:Why don't you just break up with her.
Stuart: Heh, no, I can't.
Leonard: Why not?
Stuart: Because then I'd be alone. Like you.

Amy: Is he always like this when he loses?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. You should have been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.
Leonard: You bumped the table and you know it.

Sheldon: I believe I may have cholera.
Leonard: There's no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer when there was no malaria in Pasadena.

Leonard: You may be from Texas, but I'm from New Jersey.