Mary Cooper: I am not abandoning you, Sheldon. Abandoning you is leaving you in a basket on a church doorstep. I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.

Mary Cooper: I want to thank you for the blessing that is my little Shelly. I also want to thank you for the continued strength not to coldcock him with my bible.

Penny: Mrs Cooper, it smells so good.
Mary Cooper: You take notes, darling. The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup. He'll die at fifty, but his love will be true.

Amy: He's been in there a long time. Should I go talk to him?
Mary Cooper: He's upset with me. I should be the one who talks to him. (stays seated and works on her knitting)
Amy: Are you going to?
Mary Cooper: Oh, heck no.

Mary Cooper: I tell you, I love that boy to death but he has been difficult since he fell outta me at the K-Mart.

Mary: I made chicken. I hope it's not one of the animals that you people think is magic.

Mary Cooper: Everybody grab a plate and a pretty place-mat that Shelly wove.

Mary Cooper: Ugh? The bible is ugh to you?
Beverly Hofstadter: No, I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. As a psychiatrist, I know how important people's superstitions can be to them.
Mary Cooper: You want to talk about superstitions. Sheldon sent me all those books you wrote. All that nonsense about super egos and IDs. What bull dropped that on the barn floor?

Amy: Sheldon, your mother's an attractive woman. You need to get used to the fact that men are going to be interest in her.
Sheldon: Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business.
Amy: I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
Sheldon: What- you're not my mother.
Mary Cooper: Don't you be disrespectful to her.
Sheldon: Yes ma'am.
Mary Cooper: You'll get there. You've just gotta put some zing on it.

Leonard: He sounds like a wise man.
Mary Cooper: Oh, not that wise. He once tried to fight a bobcat for some licorice.

Mary Cooper: Now, after a moment of silent meditation, I'm going to end with "In Jesus name". Now you two, don't feel under any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the Holy Spirit moves you.

Sheldon: I should let you know the world has changed since you were a young woman. It's not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation any more.
Mary: How old do you think I am?

Mary Cooper: I know the answer. You're not gonna like it.
Beverly Hofstadter: Try me.
Mary Cooper: When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church. And I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass daddy. And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead in the Subaru next to me, nodding yes.

Mary Cooper: If you recall, when you were little we sat right here at this very spot and talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbor kids.
Sheldon: That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me.
Mary Cooper: Oh, baby. They knew very well why they hated you.

Penny: Well what happened?
Mary Cooper: The poor boy had a fit. Locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray.
Leonard: A death ray?
Mary Cooper: Well, that's what he called it. It didn't even slow down the neighbor kids. It pissed our dog off to no end.