Raj: Oh. You know what? I'm gonna let them know that I'm here with you and that they're busted.
Penny: No. You know what? Don't, don't. Let's let them think they're getting away with it.
Bernadette: Yeah, let's see how deep a hole they can dig for themselves.
Penny: Mmm-hmm.
Raj: Interesting. I mean, it's not testicles on a cryostat, but I like it.

Bernadette: Okay. Okay, how about this? They don't know you're here with us, so you hide in the closet. When they show up, we'll hear whatever their dumb story is about where they were, we'll pretend to believe them and just when they think they got away with it, you jump out.
Penny: Yeah, that's pretty good.
Raj: I love it, I'll be all like, "Busted!", and they'll be like, "What?", and then we'll all be like, "Oh, yeah!" Yeah, I get it. I wouldn't make out with me, either.

Howard: There you go again.
Raj: I'm sorry, have I been complaining about it too much?
Howard: Actually, what you're doing is pretending to complain, but really trying to brag.
Raj: How could you say that?
Howard: (imitating Raj) Oh, I wish could enjoy a cup of tea without a naked girl bouncing up and down on me.
Raj: I never said that.
Howard: (imitating Raj) Don't you hate it when you can't remember whose bra it is you found wedged in your couch?
Raj: Okay, that I said. But that's a real problem. You give a girl another woman's bra, and you will not be having sex with her that night. Maybe the other girl, but not her.

Howard: Hey, I just got an e-mail from the U.S. Air Force.
Raj: Open it.
Howard: Hmm. "We request a meeting at your earliest convenience regarding your quantum guidance system, provisional patent 62/295118." That's weird.
Raj: Is there a window around here we don't know about?
Howard: I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
Raj: Yeah, of course. What else could it be? (loudly) Boy, do I love America!

Howard: So, road trip to Long Beach.
Leonard: No, we're not going to Long Beach.
Raj: Why not?
Leonard: Because Sheldon doesn't have a drug addicted cousin Leopold.
Raj: Oh, too bad. I've always wanted to go to Long Beach.
Sheldon: It's a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there. Once the largest ocean liner in the world, it's now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner.
Raj: Sounds fun.

Leonard: Hi. Hey, Raj, will you be joining us for dinner?
Raj: The lonely guy and the two happy couples? I'd rather get a prostate exam from a leper who walks away with nine fingers.

Raj: I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I'm addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.
Howard: She was my second cousin.
Sheldon: And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Ba-da-bazinga!
Raj: Oh, oh, yeah, and then there was the time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish and that she wanted his little kosher pickle. Of all the Howard humping hookers stories, that one's my favorite!

Howard: Check it out. Mrs. Davis from Human Resources is here. She's probably on the lookout for sexual harassment.
Raj: Oh, great. There go my chances of being sexually harassed.

Raj: If we're all gonna die, why am I eating so much kale?

Raj: Oh, Double Stuf Oreos, I remember when I could afford you.

Raj: Yeah, this military guy showed up at Howard's door. He was terrifying.
Sheldon: Oh no, what did he say?
Raj: He gave me his business card and asked me to please pass it along to Howard.
Sheldon: That doesn't sound terrifying.
Raj: Not to a white guy born here, no. To a brown guy whose name has a lot of syllables in it - terrifying.

Raj: He doesn't just look like C-3PO, now he walks like him.

Raj: Oh, hey, Bernadette, the swing comes with two different mobiles. The giraffes are pretty cute, what do you think?
Bernadette: Great, go with the giraffes.
Stuart: Although the high contrast of zebra stripes might provide better stimulus for a developing baby.
Bernadette: Yeah, you're probably right, go with the zebras.
Stuart: Good choice, boss.
Raj: At least my nose is naturally brown.

Lucy: Can I just say something? Going out with Raj was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Raj: Yes, I'll take you back.
Lucy: It's like I needed to go through that experience to know what exactly I don't want in a man.
Raj: That's hard to hear, but I'll still take you back.

Sheldon: He also has a remarkable amount of credit card debt.
Howard: I thought your dad paid your cards.
Raj: I have a card for emergencies that I pay for myself.
Sheldon: What emergency happened at the L.A. Zoo?
Raj: That's a penguin I sponsor. They're losing their homes to global warming, and my car gets, like, seven miles a gallon, so I felt bad.