Sheldon Cooper Quotes Page 4 of 209

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Quote from the episode The Prestidigitation Approximation

Rajesh: Why so glum, chum?
Sheldon: Apparently you can't hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.

Quote from the episode The Guitarist Amplification

Sheldon: Stop it both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents!
*Imitating his Mom* Dammit, George! I told you if you didn't quit drinking I would leave you!
*Imitating his Dad* Well, I guess that makes you a liar, because I'm drunk as hell and you are still here!
*Imitating his Mom* Stop yelling, you're making Sheldon cry!
*Imitating his Dad* I'll tell you what is making Sheldon cry, that I let you name him SHELDON!

Quote from the episode The Robotic Manipulation

Sheldon: I am aware of the way humans usually reproduce which is messy, unsanitary and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly.

Quote from the episode The Pants Alternative

Sheldon: A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies "for you, no charge".

Quote from the episode The Monopolar Expedition

Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.
Leonard: You really think so?
Sheldon: Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I've managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!

Quote from the episode The Gothowitz Deviation

Penny: I give up. He's impossible.
Sheldon: I can't be impossible; I exist. I think what you meant to say is, 'I give up; he's improbable'.

Quote from the episode The Lunar Excitation

Leonard: Relax, it's just a dirty sock.
Sheldon: How on earth can you say "dirty sock" and "relax" in the same sentence?

Quote from the episode The Gorilla Experiment

Penny: Look, can we just forget about this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?
Sheldon: Alright. Leonard is attempting to learn why subatomic particles move the way they do.
Penny: Really? That's it? Well, that doesn't sound so complicated.
Sheldon: It's not. That's why Leonard does it.

Quote from the episode The Commitment Determination

Penny: Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night.
Sheldon: Oh, not just date night. Our 5th anniversary.
Penny: Okay, see, that's even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat.
Sheldon: If that happens, don't make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can.

Quote from the episode The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

Sheldon: All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy.
Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.

Quote from the episode Pilot

Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

Quote from the episode The Thespian Catalyst

Penny: Mrs. Cooper? Hey, it's Penny. I think I broke your son. Hold on. Talk to your mother.
Sheldon: (Crying) Mommy, I love you. Don't let Spock take me to the future!

Quote from the episode The Work Song Nanocluster

Sheldon: I'm sorry, coffee's out of the question. When I moved to California I promised my mother that I wouldn't start doing drugs.

Quote from the episode The Wheaton Recurrence

Sheldon: Well, well, well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul V to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox!

Quote from the episode The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

Sheldon: Sheldon: Oh, Penny. I know you think you're being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift, you've given me an obligation.
Howard: Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny: Now, honey, it's okay.You don't have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.
Sheldon: No, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says to Sheldon. The die has been cast, the moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps.

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