Sheldon Cooper Quotes Page 4 of 239

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Quote from the episode The Robotic Manipulation

Sheldon: I am aware of the way humans usually reproduce which is messy, unsanitary and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly.

Quote from the episode The Guitarist Amplification

Sheldon: Stop it both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents!
*Imitating his Mom* Dammit, George! I told you if you didn't quit drinking I would leave you!
*Imitating his Dad* Well, I guess that makes you a liar, because I'm drunk as hell and you are still here!
*Imitating his Mom* Stop yelling, you're making Sheldon cry!
*Imitating his Dad* I'll tell you what is making Sheldon cry, that I let you name him SHELDON!

Quote from the episode The Friendship Contraction

Sheldon: I would have been here sooner but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.

Quote from the episode The Pants Alternative

Sheldon: A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies "for you, no charge".

Quote from the episode The Gothowitz Deviation

Penny: I give up. He's impossible.
Sheldon: I can't be impossible; I exist. I think what you meant to say is, 'I give up; he's improbable'.

Quote from the episode The Lunar Excitation

Leonard: Relax, it's just a dirty sock.
Sheldon: How on earth can you say "dirty sock" and "relax" in the same sentence?

Quote from the episode The Gorilla Experiment

Penny: Look, can we just forget about this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?
Sheldon: Alright. Leonard is attempting to learn why subatomic particles move the way they do.
Penny: Really? That's it? Well, that doesn't sound so complicated.
Sheldon: It's not. That's why Leonard does it.

Quote from the episode The Monopolar Expedition

Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.
Leonard: You really think so?
Sheldon: Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I've managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!

Quote from the episode Pilot

Sheldon: Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really!
Sheldon: If the height of a step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.
Leonard: I don't care. 2 millime--? That doesn't seem right.
Sheldon: It's true. I did a series of experiments when I was 12. My father broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No. That was the result of my work with lasers.

Quote from the episode The Work Song Nanocluster

Sheldon: I'm sorry, coffee's out of the question. When I moved to California I promised my mother that I wouldn't start doing drugs.

Quote from the episode The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

Sheldon: All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy.
Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.

Quote from the episode The Commitment Determination

Penny: Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night.
Sheldon: Oh, not just date night. Our 5th anniversary.
Penny: Okay, see, that's even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat.
Sheldon: If that happens, don't make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can.

Quote from the episode The Thespian Catalyst

Penny: Mrs. Cooper? Hey, it's Penny. I think I broke your son. Hold on. Talk to your mother.
Sheldon: (Crying) Mommy, I love you. Don't let Spock take me to the future!

Quote from the episode Pilot

Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

Quote from the episode The Wheaton Recurrence

Sheldon: Well, well, well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul V to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox!

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