Raj: Well, no offense, but I didn't go to art school. I have a PhD in astrophysics.
Stuart: Oh, great, it'll be easier for you to look up at the stars without a roof over your head.

Stuart: (coming into the living room) Halley's fine.
Bernadette: You know she's at my parents' house, right?
Stuart: And she's having the time of her life.

Stuart: Uh, other than burp you or give you a bottle, I don't know what to do right now.

Howard: Speaking of which, for day care, it'll be easy for me to drop her off, unless you want to do it.
Bernadette: Hmm, guess it should be me.
Stuart: I can't do it; they have a picture of me on file now.

Bernadette: When I go back to work, we're gonna leave her with these people. We don't know anything about them.
Howard: They're highly-trained educators with background checks. They're even required to be current on all vaccinations.
Stuart: You leave her with me, and I'm not any of those things.

Bernadette: It's not just the sloth. Polar bears nurse their cubs for almost eight months. The orangutan mother builds her baby a new home every night. And what do I do? I choose my career over my child!
Stuart: (To Howard) Told you we should have gone to Legoland.

Stuart: Is it weird if we just stand here and watch her all day?
Howard: Probably.
Stuart: We should go.
Howard: Yeah.
Stuart: Or we could take her to the aquarium.
Howard: I'll get her, you grab her bag.
Stuart: Hang on, Halley, we're busting you out of there!

Howard: Should we do something about Nowitzki?
Leonard: Like what?
Raj: Well, she's single, so if somebody else asks her out and she says yes, then we know she's not into Sheldon.
Stuart: I'll do it.
Leonard: No offense, Stuart, but the woman's a doctor.
Stuart: So? Doctors like me. Whenever I see mine he calls in a bunch of other doctors to have a look.
Howard: She's not that kind of doctor.
Stuart: Oh. Well, her loss. I've been called a genuine medical oddity.

Stuart: I can't believe you went behind my back!
Raj: Which clearly means I want this more!
Stuart: You want to play a game of "who's more desperate" with me? 'Cause you're in the big leagues now, Bucko.

Raj: It's just it's hard talking to my other friends about this, but I knew you would understand.
Stuart: Why is that?
Raj: Because you and I are both alone, which is actually kind of comforting, because at least we can be alone together.
Stuart: Mm. This is, this is awkward. I, um, I was actually gonna close up a little early tonight 'cause I have a date.
Raj: Really?
Stuart: Yeah.
Raj: (clears throat) Forgive me if I'm having trouble being happy for you.
Stuart: Don't be silly, I'm loving your pain.

Sheldon: You know what? Just give me a copy of Action Comics 1000, and I'll be on my way.
Stuart: Sorry. All out.
Sheldon: Now you just let people come in and buy them? I didn't realize your soul was also for sale.
Stuart: Well, it wasn't, but, uh, make me an offer.

Stuart: I am really sorry. I will make it up to you. But it won't be with a Val Kilmer Batman figurine (laughing) because some sucker's buying that right now. [to the customer] (laughs) Not you. This is great.

Denise: Do you think when Krypto the Superdog is out flying, Superman has to fly after him with a little baggie?
Stuart: Hmm. Haven't really thought about it before. But he doesn't need a baggie, because he just blasts the poop with his heat vision.
Denise: You've thought about it before.
Stuart: Oh, I've thought about it a lot.

Stuart: I'm excited. I haven't been on a date in a long time.
Howard: Back when I was dating, I'd always wear a new pair of underwear, just in case.
Stuart: It's also been a long time since I bought new underwear. And I probably should, because these are no longer tighty nor whitey.
Bernadette: Okay, I'm out.

Denise: Oh. Oh, my God.
Stuart: Yeah. I wanted to look my best for our date, and I made a series of bad decisions one of which is hidden by my pants.