Bernadette: Stuart, you didn't have to get us a baby gift.
Stuart: Oh, just homemade coupons for things you might need help with before the baby gets here. Going to the grocery store, driving you to the doctor. If you're not in a hurry, I can dig you a koi pond.
Bernadette: A foot massage?
Stuart: And that's not me being creepy, that's for either of you.

Stuart: Uh, now that you mention it can I live here?
Bernadette: Stuart, we'd love to help you out, but this a bad time; we're about to have a baby.
Stuart: Or is that why this is a great time? Think about it. When that baby comes, you're gonna need all the help you can get.
Bernadette: Thank you, but I'm not really sure.
Howard: Hang on, maybe it's not the worst idea. I mean, he did do a good job taking care of my mother.
Stuart: That woman didn't get heat rash once with me on powder patrol.

Bernadette: Hey, I guess you could stay for a few days and we'll see how it goes.
Stuart: Thank you. And it's only temporary, just till I get back on my feet. Or the baby goes off to college, whichever happens first.

Bernadette: Thank you again for cooking. It's getting tough for me to be on my feet all day.
Stuart: You just kick back and relax; I've got it all under control.
Raj: Although it was already under control.
Stuart: I'm sorry, you mumbled something?
Raj: It's just that they've had plenty of help.
Stuart: Well, you know what they say. It takes a village.
Raj: Well, they already had a village.
Stuart: I noticed the village couldn't find time to put the crib together.
Raj: Yeah, well, maybe the village was too busy checking out the local Montessori school for the new arrival.
Stuart: You mean the one with the empty beer bottles in the sandbox? We'll pass, thank you.

Stuart: Hey, what's up?
Raj: I'm here to put the crib together.
Stuart: Ooh, sorry, I already did it.
Raj: Oh, I don't know if you realize this, but I bought that crib.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, I read about that on WhoGivesACrap.com
Raj: Why are you being like this?
Stuart: Because I love Howard and Bernadette and if I want to keep mooching off them, I need to be helpful.

Bernadette: (off-screen) Howard!
Howard: Guys, you heard her, go see what she wants.
Bernadette: (enters the room) I think I'm in labor.
Howard: Oh, oh, okay. Okay, uh, uh, uh, I can do this. We have a plan. Somebody please tell me the plan.
Stuart: I'll get the hospital bag.
Raj: I'll pull the van up.
Stuart: Meet you outside in 2 minutes.
Raj: Team Baby, go!
Howard: I love you.
Bernadette: I love you, too.
Stuart: Are we hugging or having a baby? Let's go!

Bernadette: (To Howard) I'm so thirsty. Give me more ice chips.
Stuart: (munching on ice chips) Sorry. I thought these were room ice chips.

Leonard: How did you get the baby to stop crying?
Stuart: Oh, I just talked to her. I've been told the sound of my voice puts people to sleep.

Raj: Okay, you ladies have fun tonight.
Stuart: Don't worry about Halley. Uncle Stuart's on the job.
Raj: Under the careful supervision of her godfather.
Stuart: My apologies. I didn't mean to offend you, Don Corleone.

Stuart: So we just throw this away?
Raj: What else are you gonna do with it? Put it in your coffee?
Stuart: Well, I don't take it black.

Stuart: Okay, I can give you 20 bucks for the whole box.
Raj: But you charged me hundreds for this stuff. I know.
Stuart: And I did it with a straight face.

Stuart: I'll give you 25 bucks. That's my best offer.
Raj: I have no choice.
Stuart: You know, if you want to make extra money, I could throw some work your way.
Raj: Really? I'll do anything.
Stuart: Great, you're hired. First thing you can do is put price tags on these. Start the little ones at $50.

Howard: This is for you.
Raj: What's this?
Bernadette: It's back pay for all the babysitting and taking care of Halley you've done.
Howard: There's more than enough in there to cover Comic-Con.
Stuart: Um, I also take care of Halley.
Bernadette: And you live here for free.
Stuart: I do, ma'am, thank you, ma'am.

Raj: Can I just stay in the garage?
Bernadette: Don't do that. We'll make up the couch for you and figure out something in the morning.
Raj: Thank you.
Stuart: Come on, I'll get you some sheets. Then I'll see if I can beat my high score on the blood pressure machine.

Raj: I didn't think this is where my life would be.
Stuart: Me, either. I'm in a bedroom and you're on a couch. I'm actually winning.