Stuart: Fine, take Wil. See if he brings you clam chowder.

Stuart: What's up?
Bernadette: Can you show us that dating app?
Sutart: Oh, yeah, sure. This thing has changed my life.
Penny: Wow. So how many girls have you met?
Stuart: Two. I probably don't need to mention there's an entire number between that and zero.

Bernadette: Stuart. He's been living with us for a while now. I'm sure he'd love to get us out of his hair.
Stuart: Nope, couldn't be happier.
Bernadette: Well, Sheldon's looking for a -
Stuart: Nope!
Bernadette: He'll think about it.
Stuart: No I won't!

Howard: Look, something's going on with Bernadette. She say anything to you?
Stuart: Well, nope, not a word.
Howard: Come on, be honest. Did you tell her I tried her breast pump?
Stuart: No, but I did mention it to my therapist.

Denise: Um, Sheldon.
Penny: Raj.
Denise: Amy.
Penny: I'll take Anu.
Denise: Howard.
Penny: All rightie.
Stuart: Come on, pick me, pick me.
Penny: I will take ... Stuart.
Stuart: Yes!

Bernadette: So how can we help?
Stuart: Well, I know more women are buying comics than ever, but for some reason, I can't get 'em in here.
Penny: All right. Well, what have you tried so far?
Stuart: Uh, I've been stocking more female-oriented titles. In the bathroom, I folded the end of the toilet paper into a triangle. And, uh, you are now sitting in the official breastfeeding area.

*Stuart's phone rings*
Howard: You need to take that?
Stuart: It's just my dad, probably calling to wish me a happy birthday. I'll call him back. You were saying?

Amy: Have you thought about advertising directly to females?
Stuart: Hmm, okay. Well, all right. What if I put up a sign in the window that said, "Women, come in. Don't be afraid."?

Stuart: (watching Howard and Bernadette sleep) I really miss this.

Stuart: I mean, what can I do? I get so nervous around women.
Penny: Well, you're talking to us now. I mean, you don't seem nervous.
Stuart: Well, that's 'cause I'm doing that trick where you imagine the audience is naked. By the way, thumbs up, ladies.
Amy: Do you not hear how creepy that sounds?
Stuart: It was a joke.
Bernadette: Was it?
Stuart: No, I'm still doing it.

Stuart: I can't believe you went behind my back!
Raj: Which clearly means I want this more!
Stuart: You want to play a game of "who's more desperate" with me? 'Cause you're in the big leagues now, Bucko.

Raj: It's just it's hard talking to my other friends about this, but I knew you would understand.
Stuart: Why is that?
Raj: Because you and I are both alone, which is actually kind of comforting, because at least we can be alone together.
Stuart: Mm. This is, this is awkward. I, um, I was actually gonna close up a little early tonight 'cause I have a date.
Raj: Really?
Stuart: Yeah.
Raj: (clears throat) Forgive me if I'm having trouble being happy for you.
Stuart: Don't be silly, I'm loving your pain.

Denise: Do you think when Krypto the Superdog is out flying, Superman has to fly after him with a little baggie?
Stuart: Hmm. Haven't really thought about it before. But he doesn't need a baggie, because he just blasts the poop with his heat vision.
Denise: You've thought about it before.
Stuart: Oh, I've thought about it a lot.

Raj: Cut the crap. We know where you were. We know what you were doing.
Stuart: Yeah, I just told you. I was at CVS breathing my ass off.
Sheldon: Oh, you were breathing, all right. You were breathing the rarefied air of celebrities.
Stuart: I don't know what you're talking about.
Raj: Then why are you trembling?
Stuart: I'm always trembling.

Stuart: Is it weird if we just stand here and watch her all day?
Howard: Probably.
Stuart: We should go.
Howard: Yeah.
Stuart: Or we could take her to the aquarium.
Howard: I'll get her, you grab her bag.
Stuart: Hang on, Halley, we're busting you out of there!