Stuart: Ow. I'm hit. Ow. I said I was hit.
Denise: Sorry.
Stuart: Ow. Why do you keep shooting me?
Denise: Why don't you want to move in with me?
Stuart: I-I didn't say I didn't want to.
Denise: No, you just ran away. Stuart? Stuart?! Did you run away again?
Stuart: [in the distance] No.

Denise: That's a lot of bruises.
Stuart: Yeah, well, you shot me a lot of times. That's not even counting the bruises on the inside.
Denise: 'Cause I hurt your feelings?
Stuart: Let's hope that's all it is.

Stuart: Ah, look, I'm sorry that I freaked out. It's just that things are going so good with us, and I'm afraid that if we go too fast, I am gonna mess it up.
Denise: I get that. I don't want to mess things up, either.
Stuart: Um, I got you something. It's a key to my place to show you that I'm serious.
Denise: Thank you. Mm. Well, isn't this technically a key to Howard and Bernadette's place?
Stuart: Yes, so don't ever use it or let them know that you have it.

Stuart: Let me just lock up here.
Denise: Okay. So what do we do?
Stuart: Uh, well, if this is a worst-case scenario and we're the last two people alive, we're gonna, we're gonna have to rebuild civilization.
Denise: Do you have any special skills?
Stuart: I can draw. How 'bout you?
Denise: I can play clarinet.
Stuart: Oh, I didn't know that.
Denise: Yeah, ten years.
Stuart: Ah. You know, it, uh, might also be up to us to repopulate the Earth.
Denise: I'm okay with that.
Stuart: So shall we?
Denise: Wait here. I'm gonna brush my teeth.
Stuart: Sorry, we're closed!
Sheldon: This is going on Yelp!

Raj: Cut the crap. We know where you were. We know what you were doing.
Stuart: Yeah, I just told you. I was at CVS breathing my ass off.
Sheldon: Oh, you were breathing, all right. You were breathing the rarefied air of celebrities.
Stuart: I don't know what you're talking about.
Raj: Then why are you trembling?
Stuart: I'm always trembling.

Wil Wheaton: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: I don't want to play anymore. It's too much pressure.
Wil Wheaton: Why, what happened?
Stuart: I've-I've said too much.
Wil Wheaton: You haven't said anything.
Stuart: Not to you, to them.
Wil Wheaton: Who's them?
Stuart: Ah! Now I have said too much!

Stuart: Oh, that's cute. Did Halley draw that at preschool?
Bernadette: I drew it.
Stuart: Well, good night.
Bernadette: It's supposed to be an astronaut.
Stuart: And I'm supposed to be living on my own at this age, but here we are.

Bernadette: Halley was scared and Howard told her the sweetest story about when he was in space and I thought I could turn it into a book for her and Michael.
Stuart: Oh, well, I mean, I am an artist. Uh, if you want, I could do the drawings.
Bernadette: Really? That'd be amazing.
Stuart: Yeah, it'd be fun. And a, a nice change of pace from what I usually draw.
Bernadette: What do you usually draw?
Stuart: Well, good night.

Howard: Doesn't she have her own place? Why don't you guys hang out there?
Stuart: Oh, she has a roommate, and he's kind of creepy. A-And that's coming from me.

Stuart: I'm sorry, but I couldn't sleep at your place. Mitch was really freaking me out.
Denise: He was freaking me out, too, but there has to be a better solution.
Stuart: Tonight we'll go back to my place.
Denise: And tomorrow?
Stuart: With my health being what it is, I try to live one day at a time.

Denise: I don't want to blame you, but if you'd moved in with me when I asked you to, we wouldn't be in this situation.
Stuart: You're right. It's my fault. When I had the chance, I was scared and now that I want to, you're stuck with Mitch.
Denise: So you do want to move in with me?
Stuart: More than Galactus wants to devour worlds.
Denise: Well, that's great 'cause I want to move in with you more than the Thing wants to clobber.
Stuart: More than Hulk wants to smash?
Denise: More than Batman wants to ignore the due process of law.
Stuart: We are so weird.

Bernadette: Hi, Stuart, just checking in. Seeing if everything's okay.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, we're having fun. Me, Halley and Denise played hide-and-seek all day.
Howard: Oh, that's nice.
Stuart: Yeah. I found Denise right away.
Bernadette: Where was Halley hiding?
Stuart: Uh, the important thing is she's not there now.

Bernadette: Okay, so, everyone's happy and healthy?
Stuart: Well, that depends.
Bernadette: What's that mean?
Stuart: Uh, how many teeth did Halley have when you left?
Howard: All of them.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, that's-that's what I was afraid of.
Bernadette: What happened?
Stuart: Um, well, all right. Um, Michael had a little fever last night.
Bernadette: Michael had a fever?
Stuart: Do you want to hear about Halley or not?
Howard: What happened, Stuart?
Stuart: He was running a little fever, nothing to worry about. And Halley, bless her heart, wanted to bring him his boo-boo bear, so she climbed over the safety rail and took a little tumble down the stairs.
Bernadette: She fell down the stairs?!
Stuart: [stammers] She rolled down the stairs, laughing the whole time. [chuckles] Anyway, when she got to the bottom, there was a tooth missing.
Bernadette: Oh, Stuart!
Stuart: She's fine! She thought it was funny.
Howard: Did you at least save it for the tooth fairy?
Stuart: No, we couldn't find it. We have a theory about where it is, but it'll take six to eight hours to confirm. Speaking of which, where do you keep the spaghetti strainer?

Stuart: Aw man, if I'd started this years ago I'd be divorced two or three times by now.

Stuart: I know what you're going through. My last break-up was pretty tough.
Amy: Oh, what was her name?
Stuart: Hey, it's a true story. I don't need the third degree.