Stuart: I gotta tell you, this is the most holiday fun I've had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool.
Howard: Good story.

Leonard: Hey, Stuart, got any plans Thursday night?
Stuart: My doctor's worried about my circulation so I was thinking about walking around the mall.

Stuart: (from outside the room) You guys got a minute, or are you still cuddling?
Howard: What is it, Stuart?
Stuart: Can I come in?
Howard: Hang on. (quietly) Should I send him away?
Bernadette: No, it's okay.
Stuart: (from outside the room) Thanks, Bernie.

Bernadette: Nobody needs a mooch living in their house forever.
Stuart: Hey, that's no way to talk about your baby.

Howard: Look, if you're not ready to go back to work, we'll figure something out.
Bernadette: No, I'll be fine.
Stuart: It might be good for her. Howard's mother was around him all the time, and he's a world-class mama's boy.
Howard: (scoffs) I mean, wh-why would you say that?
Stuart: Go ahead, have a tantrum; that'll prove me wrong.

Leonard: No, we-we definitely mined some. I-I remember sitting in your bedroom and writing the program.
I think we ended up with a bunch of it.
Raj: Wow, and at, like, $5,000 apiece, that's-
Stuart: Sounds like a lot of money, which we agreed to share 'cause I-I was totally there. I remember now.

Howard: Hey, Stuart, you're coming to Halley's party, right?
Stuart: You bet. Plus, I live there and I was invited, so it's already better than my tenth birthday party.

Sheldon: Can you break a twenty?
Stuart: No, I only have hundreds.
Sheldon: You know what. I don't always recognize sarcasm, but I do right now and I don't appreciate it. I'm sorry for your loss, but you're not the only one whose day's been a disaster.

Raj: Don't you even feel a little bad sponging off your friends?
Stuart: Hey, look, I went to art college, I tried to make it as a graphic artist, a comic book artist, and you know what I got for my efforts? A visible rib cage. I'm not kidding. You can see my heart beating.

Stuart: Ruchi said she wanted to hang out with both of us. Why don't we just do that?
Raj: Oh, fine. Let's hang out as friends and see what happens.
Leonard: Yeah, and if something grows out of it, just worry about it then.
Stuart: Also what my doctor said.

Raj: So how's your apartment?
Stuart: Not great. The electricity's out.
Raj: So why don't you get it fixed?
Stuart: I called, and they're like, "Pay your bill!"

Raj: I wonder if this is what it feels like to be Bernadette's baby.
Stuart: I don't know. Bernadette's baby doesn't have a Jacuzzi jet hitting just the right spot.

Howard: When would you move in?
Stuart: Well, uh, my car broke down in your driveway, so I'm gonna say now.

Stuart: No, I needed a place to stay and, with the baby coming, I figured they could use some extra help.
Raj: Okay, cool.
Stuart: Anyway, come on in, dinner's ready.
Raj: Oh, but I bought Chinese takeout.
Stuart: Oh, okay.Well, if Bernadette wants her ankles to swell up even more, she can have that.

Raj: So, I was reading how it's a good idea for new parents to take an infant CPR class.
Bernadette: Yeah, we've been meaning to do that.
Stuart: Oh, I know a CPR instructor who'll come to the house.
Howard: That'd be great.
Stuart: I'll give him a call. We met when I was sleeping on the beach and he thought I was dead.