Leonard: Amy, how long would it take for that mad cow disease to kill me?
Amy: I don't know, four or five years.
Leonard: No, it's not gonna do it.

Leonard: Leonard's coming down the home stretch. Come on, horsey, you can do this Damn. Come on, thigh muscles, you can do this. Yes, first place! I would have been a great jockey if I weren't too tall. And scared of horses.

Amy: What took you guys so long?
Leonard: Oh, we were following Howard, but for some reason, he turned off his headlights and went up a one-way street.

Beverly Hofstadter: Penny, I hope the example of my failed marriage to Leonard's father doesn't discourage you from the commitment you've made to one another.
Penny: No, of course not.
Beverly Hofstadter: Although Alfred and I had a lot more going for us than you two.
Leonard: Mom, please save something for the toast.

Beverly Hofstadter: How dare you invite your father without consulting me.
Leonard: Sorry, but I don't think I need your permission to have my father at my wedding.
Beverly Hofstadter: You do understand our marriage ended because he had an affair.
Leonard: I know, and there's no excuse for that.
Beverly Hofstadter: He claimed I was cold, emasculating, and hadn't shown him any physical affection for years.
Leonard: I was wrong, there's three excuses for that.

Leonard: I'd love it if my dad could come.
Penny: Oh, you have to invite him. I haven't seen him since the divorce.
Leonard: Oh, he's like a different man. He stopped twitching, and I think he grew an inch and a half.

Leonard: How'd it go with my mother?
Penny: Uh, you know, it started a little rocky, but I think we got to a good place.
Leonard: Wow. Well done.
Penny: Yeah, and when I dropped her off at the hotel, she even gave me a hug.
Leonard: Did she think you were choking or ...?

Penny: Um, so listen, I don't know if you have any plans next weekend, but I kind of promised your mom we'd have another wedding ceremony so she could attend this time.
Leonard: Wait, we're gonna get married again?
Penny: Yeah, kind of, but now we can invite our friends and family.
Leonard: Seems like a lot of trouble for a hug.

Penny: Come on, it'll be fun, and, you know, your mom was genuinely hurt we didn't invite her to the first one.
Leonard: Look, in our defense, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, and also, we don't like her.
Penny: Leonard, come on, she's your mom. If we can do something to make her happy, why wouldn't we?
Leonard: I just said why, we don't like her.

Sheldon: You know, right now, at the back of this line, there's a movie fan like you who's not going to get in, because this person simply doesn't care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.
Leonard: (To Raj) Okay, you may have to pretend you're black to get us out of here.

Leonard: Buddy, let it go.
Sheldon: No, I can't. This isn't right.
Leonard: You did everything you could.
Sheldon: No, I could've done more.
Leonard: Now, now, you denigrated the memory of a great civil rights pioneer. That's all anyone could ask.

Sheldon: Did you see that? He just cut the line.
Leonard: He's just joining his friends; it's fine.
Sheldon: No, it's not fine. It is a breach of line etiquette.
Howard: We're near the front of the line. We'll get in either way.
Sheldon: What if every person in front of us let someone cut?
Leonard: We'd still get in.
Sheldon: What if each of those people let someone cut?
Leonard: Still get in.
Sheldon: But then each of those people let someone cut?
Leonard: We'd still get in, but first I'd hit you over the head with his stick chair.

Guy: Is this guy for real?
Leonard: Boy, I wish I could say no.

Howard: You look like you come with a kickstand.
Raj: You can't make me feel bad.
Howard: Hmm, maybe not. Leonard?
Leonard: So, when the aliens brought you back, they just left the probe in?

Howard: We've waited in a lot of lines together, havent we?
Sheldon: Remember when we camped out for the Doctor Who panel at Comic-Con?
Raj: Yeah, sleeping under the stars with other fans who love the show as much as we do.
Leonard: Waking up, wondering which one of those fans stole our wallets.