The Big Bang Theory - Sheldon Quotes

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Sheldon Quotes

Quote from the episode The Lizard-Spock Expansion

Sheldon: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

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4.7

Quote from the episode The Gorilla Experiment

Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid!
Sheldon: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

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4.7

Quote from the episode The Griffin Equivalency

Sheldon: I'm not insane, my mother had me tested!

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4.7

Quote from the episode The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Howard: (Repeating what Raj says) You're right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon: That's an excellent idea. Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny: No, it won't.

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4.7

Quote from the episode The Jiminy Conjecture

Raj: I don't like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

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4.7

Quote from the episode The Bad Fish Paradigm

Sheldon: I wouldn't tell you the secret. (pause) Shhhhh!!!!
Leonard: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can't tell dad.
Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.
Sheldon: I'M BATMAN!!!! SHHHH!!!

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4.7

Quote from the episode The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Sheldon: At my age do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?
Leonard: At the hands of your room mate?
Sheldon: An accident.
Leonard: That's how I'm going to make it look.

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4.7

Quote from the episode The Panty Pinata Polarization

Sheldon: Is my hamburger medium-well?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Dill slices not sweet?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Individual relish packets?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Onion rings?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Extra-breading?
Leonard: I asked.
Sheldon: What did they say?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Did you protest?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Vociferously?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, then what took you so long?

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4.6

Quote from the episode The Maternal Congruence

Sheldon: I made tea.
Leonard: I don't want tea.
Sheldon: I didn't make tea for you. This is my tea.
Leonard: Then why are you telling me?
Sheldon: It's a conversation starter.
Leonard: That's a lousy conversation starter.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.

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4.6

Quote from the episode The Love Car Displacement

Sheldon: I need to sleep here tonight.
Rajesh: Why?
Sheldon: Howard is a total ass, Bernadette is in Penny's bed, Amy bites and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.
Rajesh: OK, come in.

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4.6

Quote from the episode The Big Bran Hypothesis

Sheldon: Ah, gravity - thou art a heartless bitch.

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4.6

Quote from the episode The Pants Alternative

Penny: So what do you say Sheldon, are we your X-men?
Sheldon: No, the X-men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be, my C-men.

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4.6

Quote from the episode The Grasshopper Experiment

Sheldon: Sorry, I'm late!
Leonard: What happened?
Sheldon: Nothing! I just didn't wanna come.

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4.6

Quote from the episode The Vegas Renormalization

Leonard: What were you doing at Penny's?
Sheldon: Well, we had dinner, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, and you'll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of 'friends with benefits.'

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4.6

Quote from the episode The Staircase Implementation

Sheldon: This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
Leonard: Aw, screw the roommate agreement!
Sheldon: No, you don't screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.

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4.6

Quote from the episode The Guitarist Amplification

Sheldon: Stop it both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents!
*Imitating his Mom* Dammit George! I told you if you didn't quit drinking I would leave you!
*Imitating his Dad* Well, I guess that makes you a liar, because I'm drunk as hell and you are still here!
*Imitating his Mom* Stop yelling, you're making Sheldon cry!
*Imitating his Dad* I'll tell you what is making Sheldon cry, that I let you name him SHELDON!

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4.6

Quote from the episode The Engagement Reaction

Sheldon: Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.
Howard: What's wrong with the bathroom here?
Sheldon: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other sort of cocusses.
Howard: Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancé is grief-stricken over putting her there. I'm NOT taking you home!
Sheldon: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here so you can open the door and flush the urinal?
Howard: NO!
Sheldon: This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take!

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4.6

Quote from the episode The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

Sheldon: Cause of Injury: Lack of Adhesive Ducks.

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4.6

Quote from the episode The Skank Reflex Analysis

Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.

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4.6

Quote from the episode The Good Guy Fluctuation

Sheldon: Bazinga punk! Now we're even!

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4.6

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