Sheldon Cooper Quotes Page 1 of 138

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Quote from the episode The Jiminy Conjecture

Raj: I don't like bugs, okay. They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

Quote from the episode The Lizard-Spock Expansion

Sheldon: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Quote from the episode The Opening Night Excitation

Sheldon: (3 knocks) Penny! (3 knocks) Penny! (3 knocks) Penny!
Bernadette: What happens if I say come in?
Penny: Well, find out.
Bernadette: Come in!
Sheldon: (silence)
(3 knocks) Bernadette! (3 knocks) Bernadette! (3 knocks) Bernadette!
Penny: Come in!
Sheldon: Keep it up. I've got nowhere else to be.
Bernadette: Just come in.
Sheldon: For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I'll just stream it on Netflix.

Quote from the episode The Gorilla Experiment

Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid.
Sheldon: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Quote from the episode The Comic Book Store Regeneration

Sheldon: May I say something?
Leonard: Not right now, Sheldon.
Sheldon: But I think it may be comforting.
Leonard: Buddy-
Howard: No, it's okay. What?
Sheldon: When I lost my own father, I didn't have any friends to help me through it. You do.

Quote from the episode The Griffin Equivalency

Howard: Sheldon, don't take this the wrong way, but, you're insane.
Leonard: That may well be, but the fact is it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.
Sheldon: For the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers or the carriers of unusual pathogens. And I'm not insane, my mother had me tested.

Quote from the episode The Opening Night Excitation

Sheldon: Then it's settled. Amy's birthday present will be my genitals.

Quote from the episode The Extract Obliteration

Leonard: I did a bad thing.
Sheldon: Does it affect me?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then suffer in silence.

Quote from the episode The Positive Negative Reaction

Raj: Look at that. You've known you're gonna be a father for less than a day and you're already stepping up.
Leonard: I'm telling you, you got this.
Howard: Maybe you're right.
Sheldon: Of course he's right. You and I both know how hard it is growing up without a father. That's why I'm confident you're gonna be the best dad you can be.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're welcome. And if he has twins, we can do all kinds of neat experiments on them.

Quote from the episode The Boyfriend Complexity

Leonard: You'll never guess what just happened.
Sheldon: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an inter-dimensional portal, which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back, to bring us all with you to the year 7010, where we are transported to work at the think-a-torium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?
Leonard: Penny kissed me.
Sheldon: Who would ever guess that?

Quote from the episode The Opening Night Excitation

Sheldon: (3 knocks) Birthday girl! (3 knocks) Birthday girl! (3 knocks) Birthday girl!

Quote from the episode The Separation Oscillation

Sheldon: Thankfully all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand.

Quote from the episode The Focus Attenuation

Sheldon: I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.

Quote from the episode The Colonization Application

Sheldon: I'm exceedingly smart. I graduated college at fourteen. While my brother was getting an STD, I was getting a Ph.D. Penicillin can't take this away.

Quote from the episode Pilot

Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

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