Raj: You here looking for money?
Josh: No.
Raj: A kidney, cornea, piece of his liver?
Josh: No.
Raj: You're in a Beatles cover band and you need Howard to replace your dad as Ringo.

Howard: Hey, I threw out the first pitch at an Angels game.
Josh: Wow.
Bernadette: He did it with a robot.
Josh: You had sex with a robot?
Howard: That's not what she meant.
Raj: But technically, yes.

Raj: Hey, I got you a little gift.
Bernadette: Oh, that's a lot of Girl Scout Cookies.
Raj: You know me. I'm from India. I can't resist children begging.

Bernadette: Why don't you help with the coffee?
Raj: Okay, but something smells fishy. And not just because you work around sea animals. That actually sounds interesting, and I'd like to learn more about it.

Bernadette: Come on, get in her head. Be intimidating.
Raj: Okay. I'm gonna own you bitch!
Penny: Whoa!
Bernadette: Hey!
Raj: Let's just play.

Howard: You know, I thought our friendship meant more to you.
Raj: So did I.

Raj: Okay. So we've got three briskets, four meatloafs, one lasagne.
Howard: No, that's noodle kugel.
Raj: One Jewish lasagne.

Howard: All Ma's food is going to be ruined.
Bernadette: Why don't we take it home and put it on our freezer?
Raj: You don't want to do that. Refreezing not only removes moisture, but it creates ice crystals in the fibres of the meat that can compromise its taste and texture. What? I saw a teachable moment. I dropped some culinary science.

Raj: I know what it's like having to go through a loved one's possesions. My uncle was a worshipper of Krishna. But after he died, you know what we found? A statue of Shiva.
It might not be Crips & Bloods, but in India it's a thing.

Howard: Okay, how about this? Let's invite everyone over to dinner. It'll be like Ma's feeding us one last time.
Bernadette: I love that.
Raj: Me too. Oh look, we've got enough ketchup to cover every ounce of it.

Bernadette: Shall we tell everyone not to come?
Howard: No, I wanna do this.
Bernadette: Okay. I'll keep it together if you can.
Raj: I'm not making any promises.

Raj: The lead of the Hunger Games is a woman. Marvel has made Tor a female.
Penny: Who's Tor?
Raj: You know, Tor, the god of tunder.

Raj: Thank you for forgiving me.
Emily: It's okay. At some point we were bound to have our first fight.
Raj: Well, it almost happened when you called my Apple Pie crust doughy. But the truth is, you were right and I was just angry at myself.

Raj: So, where's your roommate tonight?
Emily: Well, I thought it was a little unfair that she's always here and you never get a chance to stay over, so I killed her.
Raj: Remember our agreement. You can joke about killing people, but you have to say "just kidding".

Emily: There's one downtown where they trap you in a room with a zombie.
Raj: Oh, so kinda like what's happening with Penny right now.