Bernadette: If you don't know how to make lasagna, Google does.

Howard: There's got to be other ways you can make a quick buck.
Raj: Yeah, you'd think. (Bernadette enters with shopping) Ooh, maybe I could sell my blood and sperm.
Bernadette: I really should wear a bell around my neck so you guys can hear me coming.

Bernadette: Howie, can you get that?
Howard: Kind of busy.
Bernadette: Busy like I'll be with the baby if you go to San Diego?

Howard: Mm, how's my favorite girl?
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: What you doing?
Bernadette: Making lasagna.
Howard: Oh, she's sexy, she can cook. I'm such a lucky guy.
Bernadette: You want something stupid, or you did something stupid?
Howard: No. I just walked in here, saw how beautiful you are and had to tell you.
Bernadette: Oh, dear God, you're cheating on me with Raj.
Howard: (false giggle) Never gets old.

Raj: I thought we were best friends!
Howard: We are! That's why I'm sad my best friend's gonna be homeless.
Bernadette: I'm sorry, Raj. We really just don't have the space.
Leonard: What if he lives in your garage?
Bernadette: What if you stop helping?!

Raj: Like I said, you ladies have fun.
Bernadette: We will. Got my dancing shoes, got my breast pump. Let's party.
Penny: You know, if you pump at the bar, I promise we'll get free drinks.

Amy: Is there anything we can do?
Bernadette: Sure. Open up a college fund, shop for life insurance, and in the laundry room, there's a mountain of dirty laundry. Wash it or burn in, your choice.

Bernadette: Stuart, don't you drink my milk!

Penny: It's just, Leonard and I have been married for two years, and we're no further along than when we were dating.
Amy: Come on. You've got so much to feel good about. You've got a great job now.
Penny: Yeah, I guess I am making decent money.
Amy: You make more than I do.
Bernadette: You may not have a house yet, but your apartment's great.
Amy: It's bigger than mine.
Bernadette: And Leonard loves you so much, he married you twice.
Amy: I'm not even engaged once. I don't even know if Sheldon thinks about marriage. I'm not getting any younger. Honestly, I kind of thought by now, we might have had some sort of-
Bernadette: Careful. The sound of crying can make me lactate.
Amy: I'm sorry. I can't help it. (crying)
Penny: Oh, that's gonna make me cry. (crying)
Bernadette: And there they go.
Penny: Ew.

Bernadette: You think that stuff is fun? Being a parent is terrifying. I'm constantly worried, I'm always tired, and in a few minutes, I'm gonna milk myself in a bookstore parking lot.

Penny: Is everything okay?
Bernadette: Yeah. I may have just left my infant daughter with Patrick and SpongeBob.

Penny: I can't believe you have to fill out a preschool application for an infant.
Raj: Uh, the one at Caltech has a crazy wait list. I warned you, a lot of people apply when they're still pregnant.
Bernadette: Well, I didn't. I also skipped a birthing class to see Zootopia, so back off.

Penny: Hey, boys. How's it going?
Sheldon: Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out, I was being offensive.
Bernadette: So, normal.

Bernadette: Things going well with you and Sheldon living together?
Amy: Better than ever. He asks about my day, takes an interest in my life. He's like my boyfriend in college, except he's real, so people can see him.
Bernadette: I've been seeing him for years. I'm still not convinced he's real.

Penny: They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head-
Leonard: On purpose, not the way it used to happen in high school.
Sheldon: I was acting odd intentionally.
Bernadette: Really? So you can control it?