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Quote from the episode The Allowance Evaporation

Bert: I met her on G-Harmony. That's a Web site for geologists to find love.
Amy: That's a real thing?
Bert: Yeah. Their slogan is "We're all about dating and not the carbon-14 kind".

Quote from the episode The Separation Agitation

Bert: She was also interested in walking around my house in her underwear. Now the only one that does that is me.

Quote from the episode The Dependence Transcendence

Amy: Hi, Bert. This is my friend, Penny.
Penny: Hi.
Bert: Hey, come on in. I'll gonna go turn on some rock music.
Amy: (chuckles) That's a geology joke. Bert's a geologist.
Bert: And a joker.

Quote from the episode The Allowance Evaporation

Bert: Hey. Looks like I got stood up, so I'm gonna head out.
Amy: Oh, no. Are you sure you don't want to give her a few more minutes?
Bert: Nah, G-Harmony recommends after two hours, it's time to cut bait.

Quote from the episode The Allowance Evaporation

Bert: Good question. Let's see. Infoseek, WebCrawler, oh, HotBot.

Quote from the episode The Allowance Evaporation

Bert: Well, I really envy your relationship. Other than you two only having sex once a year, you're the perfect couple.

Quote from the episode The Contractual Obligation Implementation

Raj: Excuse me, Iím meeting a girl here. Itís kind of our first date.
Bert: In a library?
Raj: She and I are both a little awkward in social situations, so this seemed like a good idea.
Bert: People say Iím a little awkward, too.

Quote from the episode The Contractual Obligation Implementation

Bert: (To Lucy, after speaking to Raj) You can do better!

Quote from the episode The Occupation Recalibration

Bert: You know what, uh, geologists and Bon Jovi have in common?
Howard: You're both into rock?
Bert: Yeah.

Quote from the episode The Occupation Recalibration

Bert: So, anyway, there's this big, uh, rock and mineral show next week in Santa Monica.
Amy: Listen, um, Bert, before you say anything else, I- I have a boyfriend.
Bert: Oh. This is awkward. You thought I was gonna ask you to go with me to the mineral show.
Amy: Weren't you?
Bert: Yeah.

Quote from the episode The Occupation Recalibration

Amy: That's very nice of you, but I do have a boyfriend.
Bert: That's what you all say. You just don't want to go out with me because I have an off-putting personality.
Amy: No, that's not true. My boyfriend has an off-putting personality, too. Like, way worse than you.
Bert: Don't worry. I'm used to it. I mean, I'm big and weird and funny-looking and no one ever wants to do anything with me.

Quote from the episode The Occupation Recalibration

Bert: It's okay. I know I'm a monster.
Amy: No, Bert, come on. I'd love to go to the mineral show with you.
Bert: Sweet. It's a date. (Leaves Amy's office)
Amy: No, it's not.
Bert: Too late!

Quote from the episode The Occupation Recalibration

Bert: Thanks for coming to the mineral and rock show with me.
Raj: Weíre sorry Amy didn't want to go.
Howard: Really, really sorry.
Bert: Eh. Who needs her when I have you guys? Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock sho-o-o-o-ow!

Quote from the episode The Separation Agitation

Bert: Hey, Sheldon. Hey, Amy. It's Bert.
Sheldon: Hello, Bert. What is your flag-related comment or query?
Bert: I have a girlfriend.
Amy: And what does that have to do with flags?
Bert: Nothing. I just wanted everyone to know I have a girlfriend.

Quote from the episode The Separation Agitation

Bert: She's so perfect, sometimes I think she isn't real. And then she goes to the bathroom, and I know she is.
Penny: Aw, that's so weird.

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