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Quote from the episode The Occupation Recalibration

Bert: It's okay. I know I'm a monster.
Amy: No, Bert, come on. I'd love to go to the mineral show with you.
Bert: Sweet. It's a date. (Leaves Amy's office)
Amy: No, it's not.
Bert: Too late!

Quote from the episode The Occupation Recalibration

Bert: Thanks for coming to the mineral and rock show with me.
Raj: We’re sorry Amy didn't want to go.
Howard: Really, really sorry.
Bert: Eh. Who needs her when I have you guys? Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock sho-o-o-o-ow!

Quote from the episode The Solo Oscillation

Bert: Hey, you want to hear one of my geology songs?
Raj: So it's about rocks?
Bert: Better. It's about a boulder.
Raj: Isn't that the same thing?
Bert: Far from it. A boulder has a diameter greater than 25.6 centimeters.
Raj: Is that fact in the song?
Bert: No ... yes.

Quote from the episode The Solo Oscillation

Bert: Alone in my temple in the middle of Peru, A giant stone ball with nothing much to do, But if you steal my idol, I will roll right over you, 'Cause I'm six tons of granite and micaceous schist, Yeah, I'm six tons of granite and,
Both: Micaceous schist, Yeah, I'm six tons of granite and, micaceous schist, Yeah, I'm six tons of granite And, uh, micaceous schist Yeah, I'm six-

Quote from the episode The Separation Agitation

Bert: Hey, Sheldon. Hey, Amy. It's Bert.
Sheldon: Hello, Bert. What is your flag-related comment or query?
Bert: I have a girlfriend.
Amy: And what does that have to do with flags?
Bert: Nothing. I just wanted everyone to know I have a girlfriend.

Quote from the episode The Separation Agitation

Bert: She's so perfect, sometimes I think she isn't real. And then she goes to the bathroom, and I know she is.
Penny: Aw, that's so weird.

Quote from the episode The Separation Agitation

Leonard: If you're that upset, go get her back.
Bert: I tried. She's not answering my calls. Which really hurts because I bought her that phone.

Quote from the episode The Allowance Evaporation

Bert: Well, I really envy your relationship. Other than you two only having sex once a year, you're the perfect couple.

Quote from the episode The Dependence Transcendence

Amy: I'm sure it's just 'cause I'm dating Sheldon.
Bert: Mm, actually, I think Sheldon's popular because he's dating you.

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