Howard: Fun Fact: I'm going to jump off this train!

Howard: You okay?
Amy: Why? Because my boyfriend's off playing choo choo with some weirdo.
Howard: Well, to be fair, they're both weirdos.

Bernadette: You're a putz. Do you what that means?
Howard: Yeah. Do you?

Wolowitz: They're called tattoo sleeves. Put them on, have freaky sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

Howard: (To Raj) Really? That's your question? When did he put a ramp in?

Raj: Excuse me, I happen to be very comfortable with my masculinity.
Howard: How is that possible?

Howard: Look who's here to put the Jew in Jewellery night.

Raj: Okay. So in the last twenty minutes we've seen a crazy woman kissing a foetus in a jar. We've seen a guy cut in half and sown to a fish.
Howard: And the brutal dismemberment of a rotisserie chicken by my mother.

Howard: Oh, you're saying I don't do anything around here? Look at my chore chart!

Bernadette: Well don't come crying to me when you don't get your allowance.
Howard: It's not an allowance. It's a stipend! And we said we weren't going to call it an allowance in front of my friends.

Bernadette: How you doing, Howie? You feeling a little better?
Howard: Oh, a lot better, thanks. One sec. Listen close, I don't have a lot of time. I need you to go to my house. In my bedroom, you'll find a model rocket. I want you to take it and bring it back to your place.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: Step two, build a version roughly fourteen stories high. Fill it full of rocket fuel and come get me. I'll leave the door unlocked.
Bernadette: Howie, honey, maybe you should talk to someone, let them know you're having a little anxiety.
Howard: No, no, I'm fine. No anxiety. We should probably talk in code. From now on, frog is me, sandwich means you and lemon means rocket. So, come on, sandwich, build me a lemon 'cause froggy wants to come home.

Howard: One time when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in The Matrix. I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting. So I looked it up online and showed him. Well, the next day, he had a pizza party, and everyone got invited but me. And then he was all, your invitation must have gotten lost in the matrix.

Howard: Raj's parents probably split up because of Raj.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: You always say the children aren't to blame, but (holds up a Raj coaster; chuckles) come on!

Howard: Hey guys. I just want everyone to know tonight's not a sad occasion.
Bernadette: Yeah, we just want to have the kind of dinner that we've all had here so many times before.
Howard: Good food. Good friends. And, sometime around midnight, heartburn that makes you pray for death.

Penny: I don't think I've eaten that much in my entire life.
Howard: That's why my people wandered the desert for forty years. Took that long to walk it off.