Howard: I'm surprised to see you suddenly get religious.
Raj: Why?
Howard: Because I've known you for ten years, and you've never gone to temple. You've never talked about believing in God. And last Diwali, I watched you eat two pounds of sacred cow at a Brazilian steak house.

Raj: What are you doing?
Howard: Just playing video games while Bernie does the taxes.
Raj: What are you a little kid? Is she gonna cut your dinner in to little pieces, too?
Howard: She doesn't have to. I filled up on Jelly Beans.

Howard: Come on, one day this may double in value and be worth half what I paid for it!

Josh: This is a little weird, but a lawyer was trying to contact my father, because his name was still on the title for this house.
Howard: W... uh, who's your father?
Josh: Sam Wolowitz.
Howard: S-Sam Wolowitz is my father.
Josh: I know.
Howard: Well, wait, so if we have the same father... I mean, are you saying you're my half-brother?
Josh: I think so.
Howard: Bernadette, weird things are happening out here!

Bernadette: Maybe it's time we tell him he needs to move out.
Howard: We should have done it months ago.
Bernadette: I know, but his store was reopening, and then there were the holidays, and then he was sick.
Howard: Yeah, right, sick. He didn't have jaundice. He just looks like that.

Bernadette: I can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said. So, here's to you, Sheldon.
Raj: Hear, hear.
Sheldon: Thank you, Bernadette. That was perfect.
Howard: What? You gotta be kidding me?

Howard: What up, my Hebrews and She-brews?!

Howard: (singing) Alone in my temple in the middle of Peru, A giant stone ball with nothing to do,
Raj: But if you steal my idol, I will roll right over you
All: Cause I'm six tons of granite, And micaceous schist. Yeah, I'm six tons of granite, And micaceous schist,
Bert: I'm gonna crush you, I'm gonna mush you, You took my idol, I'm homicidal, Gonna roll over you till your brains come out, And your bones will crunch and your blood will spout! I'm not just a rock, baby. I'm a boulder.
All: Cause I'm six tons of granite, And micaceous schist. Yeah, I'm six tons of granite, And micaceous schist, Yeah, I'm six tons of granite-

Howard: Why don't I talk to him about it in May?
Bernadette: In May, you're gonna be on the International Space Station.
Howard: They got a phone.

Sheldon: Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the Planet Hoth? No, he opened a Ton Ton to keep his body temperature from plummeting.
Howard: You heard the man, hold him down and I'll cut him open.

Howard: You know what we should do? We should show the closet to Sheldon.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Are you kidding? He’s like a savant at organizing. Everything in his apartment has a label on it. Including his label maker, which has a label that says label maker. And if you look really close at that label maker label, you’ll see a label that says label.

Howard: *Noticing Raj peeking through someone's window using the telescope* Oh, Raj, no. Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women, so we don't have to peep through windows.

Leonard: Come on, guys, push!
Howard: If I push any harder I'm gonna give birth to my colon.

Howard: Hey look, it's Leonard and R2-D-bag!

Wolowitz: I mean, even Donkey Kong had Donkey Kong Jr. so he could teach someone how to kidnap princesses and throw barrels at Italian plumbers.