Leonard: Leslie, this is Penny, she lives across the hall from Sheldon and me.
Howard: ... And walks in quiet beauty like the night.
Penny: Howard, I asked you not to do that.

Bernadette: I love that you take pride in your looks. Even when I have to pee in the morning and you're in there spending an hour on your hair.
Howard: I love that you're too good to pee in the kitchen sink.

Raj: Tag, you're it!
Howard: Shouldn't you put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire?

Penny: Did he somehow just give me the finger?
Howard: Not just the finger, the moving finger!

Penny: Why are you back from your date so early?
Howard: Well, in romance, as in show business, always leave them wanting more.
Penny: What exactly does that mean?
Leonard: He struck out.

Howard: So nice you could join me this evening, you're looking lovely as always.
Katee Sackhoff: Thanks Howard, always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.

Howard: Mock me if you will, but it works. You show up at a club in something distinctive, scope out your target and toss out some negs.
Raj: What are negs?
Howard: A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game. Like "Normally, I'm not turned on by big teeth, but on you, they work." I've got a whole list of em. Who wants to be my wingman?
Leonard: You're not gonna need wingman, you're gonna need a paramedic.

Howard: Don't spritz him with that body spray from the commercials where the women undress when they smell it? That doesn't work at all. No matter how much you put on.

Howard: It's ridiculous that we still have to walk up all these stairs.
Bernadette: Yeah, try doing it in heels.
Howard: I am.

Sheldon: I can't believe we wasted all that time on our Hulk costumes.
Penny: You were all going as the Hulk?
Howard: Not the same Hulk. Ferrigno, Bana, Norton and Ruffalo.

Penny: You guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?
Sheldon: Do you want the long answer or the short answer?
Howard: How come we never get that option?

Penny: You know, my aunt changed her diet and in a few months -
Howard: Went to space? I don't think so! Now pass the soy sauce. Not the green one, the red one.

Howard: How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise-cancelling breasts.

Raj: Maybe he's playing bingo with his mommy?
Howard: Sad how some guys just can't cut the apron strings.
Raj: Okay, now you're messing with me.

Bernadette: Howard, get off of him.
Howard: Not until he stops humping his way up my family tree.