Howard: And just so you know, when this started I was going to put the TARDIS in a discreet corner of the house. But I've since turned mean and now it's going in the middle of the living room on a rotating platform with a sign that says "Suck It".

Howard: Did you play badminton or sadminton?

Raj: What do you want to do?
Howard: I don't know. I... I'd just like him to go away. I can't deal with this.
Raj: All right, I've got your back.
Howard: Thank you. Come on. And I'd like to point out this wall just provided a lot of privacy!

Sheldon: So, can you get it working?
Howard: I'm an MIT-trained engineer. I've built components for the space station.
Sheldon: I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn't work.
Howard: It worked fine. It just wasn't designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet.

Raj: I don't know, guys. Maybe this relationship isn't for me. Maybe I should break up with her.
Howard: Right. You're gonna break up with a girl who has sex with you. Can you believe this guy?

Bernadette: Well, you've been living here a while now.
Stuart: I know. I may sell comic books at work, but the real superheroes are sitting right in front of me.
Bernadette: Yeah...
Howard: His middle name is David. Go.

Bernadette: Hey. You got a minute?
Howard: Not really. Visigoths are kind of up my butt right now.
Bernadette: Pause the game, Howard.
Howard: "Howard?" Uh-oh. Make room, Visigoths.

Mike Rostenkowski: You know, I know you don't want to hear this, but it wouldn't take that much work to turn that den into a nursery.
Howard: Why wouldn't I want to hear it?
Mike Rostenkowski: 'Cause Bernie said you didn't want kids.
Howard: That's not true at all. I wish she'd get pregnant, believe me. I'm climbing on top of her every chance I get.
In a loving and respectful manner.

Raj: Did you know, at the United Nations, there's a Department for Outer Space Affairs? Howard: Really? Why?
Raj: They exist in case we ever make contact with an alien civilization.
Howard: Mmm, boy, that's one of those jobs that's boring, boring, boring. Then, "Oh, God! Where's the memo with what we do now?!"

Howard: We did raise the roof that night.
Raj: Yeah, we totally did.
Howard: Why do rock stars do drugs when this feels so great?

Howard: He's not showing any symptoms. I guess I'll just go to the emergency room to be safe.
Bernadette: Howie, this is just your hypochondria.
Howard: No, when I sat on the mute button and thought I'd gone deaf, that was my hypochondria.

Bernadette: He's just trying to be supportive.
Howard: Just supportive. Not over-the-top in any way?
Bernadette: No.
Raj: Hello. (Raj walks in with a gigantic teddy bear)
Bernadette: You saw him carrying that?
Howard: Astronauts saw him carrying that.

Howard: The kid with the two shirts screwed us again.

Bernadette: What's so funny?
Howard: Raj is looking for a cheap place to live, and I wrote "India."
Bernadette: Don't post that; be supportive.
Howard: Maybe you should be supportive of my hilarious jokes.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, I made cookies for you and your little friends!
Howard: They're not my little friends, and we don't want cookies!
Leonard: Actually, a cookie sounds good.
Howard: All right, we'll have cookies! Thank you very much!