Howard: And then Andy said if we want privacy, we should plant some trees. The only way I know how to do that is to give a dollar and tree shows up in Israel.

Bernadette: You can't just throw everything in the closet.
Howard: Hey, you can tell me what to do and how to do it, but not both at the same time. This isn't sex.

Wolowitz: Good God, what have we done?

Howard: Maybe we should have your head notarized.

Leonard: His mother was human, his father was Vulcan, they couldn't conceive.
Howard: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad in a room with a copy of "Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears"?

Howard: That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard: Yes, but you don't have to lose to Kyle Bernstein's bar mitzvah party.

Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP racing down fiber optic cable at the of light to San Francisco bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova Scotia and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the external receiver attached to this...lamp.

Howard: Hey, she's my wife. If anyone's gonna make her feel gross about sex, it's me.

Howard: I hope I can meet her as soon as possible.
Raj: Why the rush? She isn't going anywhere.
Howard: Oh, she is. But I like that attitude!

Howard: How does it feel to know your fiance's job is to go out and flirt with doctors looking like that, while you sit here, you know, looking like this?

Howard: Come on, Raj. You are the King Kong of Ping Pong. You are the Menace of Table Tennis. Put her away, 'cos I don't have a third one.

Raj: When was the last actual exercise you got?
Howard: The other day when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away from her.

Mike Rostenkowski: You gonna be okay down here?
Howard: Yeah. Yeah, I feel like an archaeologist. Indiana Jones and the Single-Family Dwelling.

Bernadette: So, what do you think we should do with this room?
Howard: Well, I was thinking a home theater or a gaming room - you know, like a man cave.
Bernadette: Why can't it be a woman cave?
Howard: As long as it has a home theater, a video game system and you're not allowed in it, you can call it whatever you want.

Howard: You know, maybe before our meeting we should talk to a lawyer.
Leonard: That's not a bad idea.
Raj: Well, you must have someone in your family that's a lawyer.
Howard: Why? Because I'm Jewish? That's like me saying, "Hey, you're Indian. Doesn't your cousin work in a call center?"
Raj: My cousin does work in a call center.
Howard: And my cousin's a lawyer.