Leonard: What happened to him?
Howard: He wouldn't sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mother's Valium in it. Tag you're it!

Howard: (Singing) Bernadette, I am so sorry for... trying to propose to you. Bernadette, you found it creepy, but... that's just the kind of thing I do...Aaaaaaaaahhh. I know now it's too soon to talk of love, it was just a crazy idea that came to me in my tub. Bernadette, give me one more chance, Sweet Bernadette. I'll get the hang of this thing they call romance, Sweet Bernadette. I dream to once again kiss your lips, Sweet Bernadette. Sincerely Yours, Howard Wolowitz! Bernadette. (Song Ends) Thank you, Cheesecake Factory.

Howard: For all we know Glacinda the Troll wasn't even a real woman. She could have been a fifty year old truck driver from New Jersey.

Leonard: How can I go out with a woman who believes in psychics?
Howard: Hey, I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.
Leonard: And that didn't bother you?
Howard: Au contraire. It meant that she was gullible and open to a little probing.

Howard: This is the worst cobbler I've ever eaten. It tastes like it's made of actual ground-up shoemaker.
Sheldon: Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler.

Howard: You know the old saying: pasty and frail never fail.

Howard: She should quiet down soon. I gave her enough pain meds to choke a ... well, her.

Howard: "Do the dishes", there's a star right there.
Bernadette: That was a pity star. Putting water in the roasting pan and putting it in the sink is not doing the dishes.
Howard: That pan had to soak and you know it!

Sheldon: He wrote back! "Cooper and Hofstadter resorting to juvenile attempts at humor is proof they have nothing to back up their ridiculous paper. It should come as no surprise given they work at Cal-Tech, essentially a technical school where even the physicists are basically engineers".
Oh, engineers. Do you know how insulting that is?
Howard: Yes.

Bernadette: You feeling okay?
Amy: We were together for so long, I honestly don't know what I'm feeling.
Howard: That's understandable. You forgot. It's called happy.

Raj: What do you want to write?
Howard: Something bad-ass. You know, like "Thanks for diggin' our vibe. "We'll keep rockin' if you keep rollin'."
Raj: Dude, if I was wearing a bra, I'd throw it at your head right now.
Howard: I'll keep rockin'. You don't do that.

Raj: Is this just so we won't touch your stuff while you're away?
Sheldon: I'll admit that was a concern, but the fact is I'll need a support team, and the three of you are my first choice.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Well, there are others who might be more qualified, but the thought of interviewing them gave me a stomach ache.

Raj: I'd like for you to call me sexy.
Siri: [chimes] From now on, I'll call you sexy. Okay?
Raj: Okay!

Howard: I got pretty exciting NASA news today. Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills.
Penny: What does that mean?
Bernadette: He's gonna to learn to poop in space.
Howard: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
Raj: Maybe your nickname should be "Brown Dynamite."

Howard: I got the Mars-rover stuck in the ditch.
Sheldon: Where?
Howard: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield. Where do you think?! On Mars!