Sheldon: You know, studies have shown that people distracted by emotional issues are poor drivers.
Howard: What about people distracted by irritating passengers?
Sheldon: That would be hard to test, because irritating is a subjective quality.
Howard: Strongly disagree.

Howard: Now you're gonna want to slowly switch lanes.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Because there are only two, and you're not in either of them.

Howard: (After leaving Raj and Stuart) At least my mother made her boyfriend climb out the window.

Sheldon: They're going to start making Professor Proton's science show again.
Bernadette: I thought he passed away.
Howard: He did. He was cremated, and his remains were put in a baking soda volcano.

Leonard: How about you?
Howard: Oh, that depends on whether I tell Bernadette or not.
Bernadette: Howard, I can hear you. The baby monitor is on.
Howard: I know. I was joking. I'm gonna put it in a college fund. (Mimes saying no)

Leonard: Aw, man, what happened?
Howard: It crashed. It's been doing that lately. I think it's got a virus from all the music I've been downloading.
Raj: What kind of music?
Howard: Mostly Asian. Some oldies.

Bernadette: Can't believe we lost her. What was I thinking? I'd be a terrible mom.
Howard: Well, maybe with the first one. But kids are like pancakes. The first one's always a throwaway.

Howard: What the frak?
Leonard: Beats me. They were playing all last night too.
Raj: It's like some kind of weird comic book crossover.
Howard: Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.
Raj: I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian?
Leonard: No, that's Marcie. Peppermint Patty's just athletic.

Sheldon: So what do you think, Howard? It's not that bad, right?
Howard: A little electrical tape, some solder ... Are you insane? I've seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.

Raj: What about Sherman? Like, Sherman Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, that's a kid who's gonna take his mother to prom.
Amy: Hey, Howard, you did that, right?
Howard: I didn't take her. She chaperoned. (chuckles) We slow-danced once.

Bernadette: You know what, maybe we should go.
Howard: Did you have another contraction?
Bernadette: No. I'm just worried that Sheldon's gonna say "mucus plug" again.
Sheldon: And I'm worried one's gonna hit me in the eye.
Howard: Yep, it's time.

Raj: Hey, everything okay?
Howard: Yeah! The baby was born about an hour ago.
Raj: (gasps) Dude, why didn't you call me?!
Howard: (chuckles) The only way I would see my son for the first time and immediately think "I need to call Raj" is if he came out brown.

Howard: Honestly, it's gonna be hard when we both go back to work. I've been thinking maybe it would be better if one of us decided to stay home.
Raj: I don't know, I was raised by servants, and look at me.
Howard: I literally can't tell if you think that's good or bad.

Howard: All right, I've had enough of this. I'm a grown man, I have a successful career, for the love of God, I've been to space. I will move out when I'm ready, and I don't need anyone badgering me into it.
Penny: Wow, excuse me.
Howard: That was just for her benefit. I'll move tomorrow. I love you. Don't leave me.

Howard: I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&Ms, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.
Raj: When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
Howard: Sometime around the third Almond Joy.