Leonard: Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can't eat peanuts. When they see me coming they say, "Ah! No peanut boy!"

Kurt: Where's your back up?
Leonard: I don't need back up, I have right on my side ... and I'm wearing cargo shorts under my pants.

Penny: Look, I said I wanted to hurt him, but this?
Leonard: It will shorten the war by five years and save millions of lives.

Leonard: Hmm, if it's yogurt that helps ladies poop, I think Raj beat you to it.

Leonard: How does a miserable date end in sex?
Penny: I don't know, it's complicated.
Leonard: Well, I'm a pretty smart guy and right now my brain has dibs on the blood supply so give it a go.

Sheldon: What if that burning food attracts animals?
Howard: We have plenty of food for the animals.
Sheldon: We do?
Howard: Yep. A six-foot wiener in a Flash T-shirt.
Sheldon: That's not very nice.
Leonard: It's a bachelor party. Lighten up.

Leonard: Going to Wheaton's party is not betraying you.
Sheldon: Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it's doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you're looking for.
Leonard: I'm going to a party. I'm not turning R2-D2 and C-3PO over to the empire!
Sheldon: Not yet.

Penny: Ok, ok, how about this. We tell him somebody broke in?
Leonard: Just to shoot the couch with the paint ball gun?
Penny: I'm sorry, I'll buy it. All those people are on drugs.
Leonard: We can tell him they wanted the couch to stay away from their boyfriend.

Leonard: Look, if you want to break up just say it.
Penny: Leonard ...
Leonard: No, I take it back, don't say. Just hate me but stay wiht me. It worked for my parents.

Penny: Ooh, this one looks nice.
Leonard: No, Sheldon doesn't like reclaimed wood.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: He's afraid the original owners will come back.

Penny: Come on, let's just get this over with.
Leonard: "Let's just get this over with?" Am I driving you to the Cheesecake Factory or are we having sex?

Leonard: And you were so good in the commercial.
Penny: It was for haemorrhoid cream.
Leonard: And I got itchy and swolen just watching you.

Leonard: No, it's too late. I'm your bran muffin. Probably fat free and good for your colon.

Penny: This is so sweet. You never cook for me.
Leonard: Well, you cook for me all the time and eugh.
Penny: If you don't like my cooking, why haven't you ever said anything?
Leonard: Well, it's hard to talk with so much heavy chewing to do.

Sheldon: Apparently I have a reputation for being "obnoxious".
Leonard: Whaaaaaat?