Leonard: Two women at the same time? Nice job, playa!
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Was it the two women thing or the "playa"? ... It was the playa.

Wil Wheaton: I tell you, this business is brutal. To this day I hate going on auditions. I walk in and I can just feel them thinking "He was such a cute kid. What happened to him"? Then I don't get the job and I can never find out why. Honestly, I get so depressed there are entire weeks where I can't even get out of bed.
Leonard: Okay, this was helpful!

Penny: So we're about to film this scene in the movie where the killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: But I realize they're gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So I ask the director and he says it's important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape.
Leonard: It's sweet that he thinks there's a story.

Leonard: Well, Penny can be very persuasive. She's gotten me to do a lot of things I wouldn't normally do.
Amy: Because she has sex with you.
Leonard: Yeah, she does.

Leonard: It took him a long time to get comfortable around me, too.
Amy: Really? What did you do?
Leonard: Something terrible in a former life? I don't know.

Sheldon: Arthur Jeffries was a scientist. I'm sure he didn't care about stupid superstitions like funerals. If he were here, I think he'd say "Enjoy Star Wars day".
Leonard: He was eighty-four. He'd say "Where's my pudding?"

Leonard: It's dark out and he's alone. I don't like it. Let's go get him.
Penny: It's sweet how you look out for him. You're a good guy.
Leonard: It's not just that. My mother would kill me if I let something happen to him.

Leonard: Ladies do love a guy dressed like a kitchen garbage bag.

Leonard: I know he can be a lot of trouble, but when I see him laying here asleep like this, I just think, how easy it would be to hold a pillow over his face.

Leonard: Who are you talking to?
Penny: Oh, just this guy I met at school.
Leonard: oh, great. We're still dating, right?
Penny: Relax. He's just a friend. We're doing an oral report together. He's really nice.
Leonard: I'm sorry, what was that? I had a little stroke after oral.

Sheldon: What if someone kidnaps me, forces me to record my voice, and then cuts off my thumb?
Leonard: I'll send them a basket of muffins.

Priya: It's a little weird your ex-girlfriend hanging out here all the time.
Leonard: I know. I usually never see my ex-girlfriends, unless their hard drives crash.

Penny: Well, remember Kurt?
Leonard: Your ex-boyfriend?
Penny: Yeah. He got arrested for taking a whiz on a cop car.
Leonard: What?
Penny: He was drunk.
Leonard: I would hope so.

Leonard: I never wanted to play the cello. How do you meet girls playing the cello? Hey, you want to come over to my house and listen to me play an instrument that sounds like a suicidal bumblebee?

Leonard: I'm still not adjusted to how the SyFy channel spells their name now. S-Y-F-Y, that's siffy.