Raj: Boy, all this standing's making me tired. Good thing I brought my collapsible stick chair.
Howard: Not the stick chair. You look like an idiot on that thing.
Raj: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy.

Raj: When I moved to America I was pretty lonely, but when I met Howard my life changed because we could be lonely together.

Leonard: Did you get to play with Rajesh's big Telescope last night?
*Rajesh and Wolowitz Freak out*
Wolowitz: Where did that come from?
Rajesh: He never touched my telescope.

Yvette: You're the owner?
Raj: Owner. Father. Soul mate. And, if anything happens to her, your (Leonard & Penny) worst nightmare!

Raj: These methods of meditation come from the ancient gurus of India, and have helped me overcome my own fears.
Sheldon: And yet, you can't speak to women.
Raj: True, but thanks to it I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating.

Raj: Ooh, Leonard is going all alpha nerd on Sheldon's ass.

Sheldon: Obviously, we're no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.
Raj: Ooh, I call Kermit.
Sheldon: I'm Kermit. You're Scooter.
Raj: Oh, man. Scooter sucks. He's the Aquaman of the Muppet Babies.

Raj: Come on, dude, I'm exhausted and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night's sleep.

Raj: You always do this, you know, ditch me for a woman you don't have a shot with.
Howard: I totally had a shot.
Raj: With a woman you were chasing in a park. That's not a shot, that's a felony.

Raj: Can we at least rent the car from Enterprise? (nobody reacts) Oh, screw you! That's funny!

Leonard: Would you please take that stupid hat off?
Howard: No, I want to blend in.
Raj: To what? Toy Story?

Leonard: What if you could make Kripke look even sillier than he made you look?
Raj: I don't think that's possible, dude.
Leonard: You're not helping.
Raj: I didn't come here to help, I came here to mock.

Leonard: I'm not going out tonight, Raj.
Raj: All right. Would you mind if I went to your room and downloaded some Asian pornography?
Leonard: Very much.
Raj: Doesn't have to be Asian.

Wolowitz: At least I can talk to women without being drunk.
Rajesh: Excuse me, I have selective mutism, a recognised medical disorder. You're just a douche.

Howard: What are you doing?
Raj: I've created some other user accounts so I can post positive comments about their paper.
Howard: "This wee little bairn of a theory nearly blew my kilt off."
Raj: No, you have to read it like Dr. Angus McDougall of the University of Edinburgh would.
"This wee little bairn of a theory nearly blew my kilt off."