Raj: They don't call me Brown Dynamite for nothin'.

Rajesh: Okay, please don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather swim buck naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow agonizing death from a viral infection, than work with you.

Raj: It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without an Indian providing the food.

Raj: Hey, buddy, I'm gonna be in People Magazine.
Charlie Sheen: Yeah, call me when you're on the cover.

Raj: Insurance will replace your car, it won't defunk my junk.

Raj: Oh, you're so arrogant. If you were a super hero your name would be Captain Arrogant. And do you know what your super power would be? Arrogance.

Raj: Incredible. You managed to screw up the screw up.

Raj: Rotting Zombie. Sheldon's new Facebook picture.

Bernadette: Raj, your tag's sticking out. *Bernadette tucks Raj's clothing tag back in*
Raj: Thank you. That's the closest I've come to sex in like two years.
Bernadette: Now I feel a little gross.
Raj: You're only making it seem more real for me.

Leonard: I've seen old pictures of you. You were never a fat kid.
Raj: No, I was svelte as a gazelle. A gazelle blessed with a flair for storytelling.

Leonard: How's dating two women going?
Raj: Umm, kinda hit a bump. When I was honest and told Emily she wasn't the only person I was seeing, it went great. So I tried the same thing with Lucy.
Howard: And?
Raj: She had mixed feelings. But when I said "Emily was cool with it, Emily's the best, why can't you be more like Emily?", those feelings became less mixed.

Raj: You know, I thought cleaning out a dead professor's office was gonna just be boring, but then I found his dentures and realized it's also gross.

Raj: Seriously, you were just gonna drive away? Like my life isn't hard enough right now? A space probe might be destroyed. My parents are going through an awful divorce. The guy who cuts my dog's hair just gave her bangs.
Howard: Raj!
Raj: You saw her. She looks like Jim Carrey from Dumb & Dumber!

Howard: All Ma's food is going to be ruined.
Bernadette: Why don't we take it home and put it on our freezer?
Raj: You don't want to do that. Refreezing not only removes moisture, but it creates ice crystals in the fibres of the meat that can compromise its taste and texture. What? I saw a teachable moment. I dropped some culinary science.

Raj: You here looking for money?
Josh: No.
Raj: A kidney, cornea, piece of his liver?
Josh: No.
Raj: You're in a Beatles cover band and you need Howard to replace your dad as Ringo.