Amy: Hold on. He paid you to get out of spending time with me?
Stuart: No, it's not like that. There's a long line he'd rather stand in. So what are we doing? Old Navy, Build-A-Bear? I get paid either way.
Amy: We're not going shopping together.
Stuart: You sure? I'm happy to hold your bag. And Sheldon gave me money for a hotdog on a stick.
Amy: Can you understand why I might be annoyed right now?
Stuart: Look, lady, I just work here.

Penny: Okay, don't be offended, but what went wrong with you?
Stuart: I guess I assumed at this point in my life, I would be married or in a relationship, or even have a pet that didn't run away or kill itself.
Bernadette: That really happened?
Stuart: I mean, I can't say for sure, but I swear that rabbit looked me right in the eye before it hopped in front of that car.

Raj: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Yeah?
Raj: Do you want to hang out tomorrow night, maybe grab a bite to eat or catch a late movie?
Stuart: Yeah, I'd like to, but I'm a little tight on funds.
Raj: No problem. My treat. I'll swing by after work.
Stuart: Okay.
Raj: Okay.
(After Raj leaves)
Stuart: I could do worse.

Howard: If you really care that much, there are apps now that'll let you hire people to do stuff like errands and wait in lines.
Stuart: People are actually waiting in lines as a job? Boy, makes me feel better about my life.
Howard: Some of these guys make over $20 an hour.
Stuart: And now I feel worse again.

Raj: The theme will be that the greatest love a man can have is the love he has with himself.
Stuart: That's good. Or maybe something a little less hand in the pants.

Howard: Stuart, stop driving like an old man. Speed it up a little.
Stuart: I'm not an old man! I just can't see at night.

Raj and Howard: Indy' whip snapped. Thor's hammer missed. It was Avenger vs archeologist. Indy held his ground. And straightened his fedora. Thor said, "That's a nice look In 1944-a".
Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning. The other plays with bones. Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning. The other plays with bones.
Stuart: Play something we can dance to.

Raj: It's nice that all the people who are lonely on Valentine's Day can come here tonight and be together.
Stuart: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. In fact, there's no place I would rather be than here.
Raj: Except on a date with anybody.
Stuart: Literally anybody.

Sheldon: Stuart, what are you doing here?
Stuart: Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend?
Sheldon: I don't understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why are you upset with me now?
Stuart: Oh, I'm not upset with you. But Amy's pretty bent out of shape, so she hired me to let you have it.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose turnabout is fair play.
Stuart: You're darn right it's fair play, you selfish jerk.

Raj: Okay, let's try it again. But this time, pretend the girl you want to meet doesn't want to hurt you.
Stuart: I don't think I can give you that.

Leonard: Stuart, have you thought about what you'd do if Howard sells the house?
Stuart: And there goes the mood.

Stuart: And if my heart stops, just let me go.

Howard: What are you doing here?
Stuart: Can't a guy hang out at a college he doesn't go to and stare at a baby that isn't his?

Raj: All right, it's almost game time. Get it? Game of Thrones, game time?
Stuart: Two women, huh?

Stuart: Nice to see you again, Dr. Hofstadter. I'm, uh, Leonard's friend, Stuart.
Beverly Hofstadter: Nice to see you, too.
Stuart: Hi, I'm Stuart.
Alfred Hofstadter: Ooh, I'm Alfred, Leonard's father.
Stuart: Oh! Oh, hi. Uh, I'm sorry, did you two want to sit together?
Beverly Hofstadter: No!
Alfred Hofstadter: No!
Stuart: I was wondering why the front row was available.