Penny: Well, so how does it work?
Stuart: Ah, well, it shows me all the single women in a five-mile radius who are using the app. If I like the way they look, I hit thumbs up. If I don't, thumbs down.
Bernadette: Oh, what would make you give a girl a thumbs down?
Stuart: First time it happens I will let you know.

Penny: Okay, don't be offended, but what went wrong with you?
Stuart: I guess I assumed at this point in my life, I would be married or in a relationship, or even have a pet that didn't run away or kill itself.
Bernadette: That really happened?
Stuart: I mean, I can't say for sure, but I swear that rabbit looked me right in the eye before it hopped in front of that car.

Raj and Howard: Indy' whip snapped. Thor's hammer missed. It was Avenger vs archeologist. Indy held his ground. And straightened his fedora. Thor said, "That's a nice look In 1944-a".
Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning. The other plays with bones. Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning. The other plays with bones.
Stuart: Play something we can dance to.

Stuart: How about those guys on that bench over there? They look pathetic. Maybe we could talk to them.
Raj: That's a mirror.

Stuart: When I was a baby, my mother called me her little possum.
Raj: Are possums cute?
Stuart: Not at all.

Raj (shouting from upstairs window): Hey, Jon Snow. How come your horse has a basket on it?
Stuart: How come your head has your face on it?
Sheldon: They don't wear bicycle helmets in Game of Thrones. You're thematically inaccurate, but I applaud your commitment to safety.
Stuart: Don't you guys have anything better to do?
Leonard: Better than watching a guy in a fur cloak ride a girl's bike? Nope.
Stuart: That's it, you just lost bathroom privileges at the comic book store.

Sheldon: I see what's happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette's on Amy's team, I pick Howard.
Howard: I'm not taking sides.
Sheldon: Fine. I guess I'm stuck with Raj.
Raj: Really?
Stuart: At least you got picked.

Raj: Dude, if we do this, we're gonna need a cool band name.
Howard: You know, I've actually had one I've been sitting on for years.
Raj: Really?
Howard: It was for this power trio I tried to put together in junior high, but I was short two friends.
Raj: What is it?
Howard: Footprints on the Moon.
Raj: I just got chills.
Howard: So did I.
Stuart: Me, too. But I might have Lyme Disease.

Stuart: Boy, who would've thought when you asked me to move in and help take care of your mom, I'd still be here two years later?
Howard: No one.
Bernadette: Nobody thought that.

Howard: Maybe I'll just hang out here for a while.
Stuart: Great. And you can make fun of me all you want.
Howard: No, that's okay.
Stuart: No, no, no. Go on. I can take it. My feelings, like my extremities, are basically numb.

Raj: Okay, let's have a whiff. Oh. (sniffs) Hmm. Smells like Paco Rabanne.
Stuart: Ooh, you're good. I bought it at a swap meet. It's actually called "Smells Like Paco Rabanne."

Stuart: Hmm. (looking around at the room)
Howard: What?
Stuart: I just have never been in this room while you're awake.

Bernadette: And how many guys have you gone out with?
Stuart: Please be less than two.
Amy: Three.
Stuart: Damn it.

Bernadette: Yeah, I mean, with you and my parents, she's gonna be fine.
Stuart: Ah, of course she is.
Bernadette: And that day care is great.
Stuart: It is. I went to check it out, and they are very cautious about letting strange men with no kids peek in the windows.

Raj: Hey, you should totally get it. In fact, I'll buy it for you.
Stuart: Sold!
Emily: Raj, you don't have to do that.
Stuart: Too late! No returns!