Amy: There was water everywhere. It was such a mess.
Leonard: That stinks. How long are you out of the apartment?
Amy: About five weeks.
Penny: Ugh! Did you lose anything valuable?
Amy: Well, the pipe was over my closet, so all my clothes are gone.
Penny: Oh, so nothing. Great.

Bert: Okay, well, thanks for coming by. You're nice people.
Penny: Well, so are you. In fact, you know what? We will never take you for granite. Did you get that? Granite? A little geology joke.

Penny: Okay, okay, so Amy's cool, Sheldon's cool. Tell me about Leonard.
Bert: Who?
Penny: Leonard Hofstadter.
Bert: Oh, him. I guess he's all right. Apparently he tricked some hot girl into marrying him.
Penny: That's me, I'm her. And you know, he didn't trick me. He just wore me down.

Bert: It makes sense you two are friends. I mean, hot girls always stick together.
Amy: And you thought this wasn't gonna be a great party.
Penny: You know, I had no idea Caltech is exactly like my high school.
Amy: Well, it's not exactly like it. We're all extremely smart.
Penny: Wow. You popular girls are mean.

Bert: Well, I guess this is kind of a bust. You don't have to stay. I'm gonna start cleaning up.
Penny: Okay.
Amy: I feel so bad about leaving him here.
Penny: Oh, it's funny, I was just thinking the same thing about you.

Penny: So should we talk to each other or mingle?
Amy: I don't know where everyone is.
Penny: Yeah, I mean, I could see him eating one or two guests, but not a whole party.

Bert: Hey, listen, could you not say anything about this to the people at the university? You know, 'cause you're you and I'm me, and it's kind of embarrassing.
Penny: Wait, what do you mean "she's her"?
Bert: Well, you know how Amy's the coolest girl on campus, right?
Penny: No.
Amy: No.
Bert: Oh yeah, everybody thinks so.
Penny: What? You tell me about your foot fungus, but this is a secret?

Bernadette: I just wanted to apologize. I know what you did was an accident.
Penny: Oh, thank you, and I'm sorry I lied about it.
Bernadette: For what it's worth, you're a great liar.
Penny: Oh, that's what Amy said.

Penny: Okay, all right, honey, you know what? There was something I was too scared to tell you yesterday, a-and now I'm just balls-out terrified to tell you, but the truth is it wasn't Barbara Chen, it was me. I'm the reason everyone knows.

Penny: Oh, you know, I also lied about the girl in the bathroom. Yeah, we actually dumped her retainer in the toilet and put it back in her mouth.

Bernadette: Hi.
Penny: Hey.
Bernadette: What brings you by?
Penny: Oh, had to go to a sales seminar on our new sleeping pill.
Bernadette: Oh, how was it?
Penny: Great.
Bernadette: Fell asleep?
Penny: In, like, two minutes.

Penny: Okay, I understand everyone's a little tense today, so I am just gonna get to the important stuff. Leonard, standing here with you in front of our family and friends is bringing up a lot of feelings. Like what a good idea it was to elope the first time. But also how incredibly happy you make me. Thank you for marrying me. Hopefully for the last time.

Susan: No more drug talk for the rest of this trip.
Wyatt: I'll drink to that.
Susan: Haven't you had enough?
Wyatt: Penny drinks more than I do.
Penny: Well, I learned from the best.
Wyatt: Aw! (Penny and Wyatt clink their beer bottles together)

Penny: Oh, I can't wait for you to meet everyone. I told them all about you.
Susan: Like what? Do they know about your brother?
Penny: Uh, not everything. Just, like, the jail and drugs part.

Penny: Come on, looks don't matter to Sheldon. ... Because he only has eyes for you!
Amy: Nice try.
Penny: Thanks, I was scrambling.