Sheldon: What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I'd say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell?

Amy: I don't know how to help you. You know, feelings are a part of life.
Sheldon: They didn't used to be. You and Leonard and Penny, you all poisoned me with emotions. I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil Wizard gave him a heart.
Amy: I don't think that was the point of the movie.
Sheldon: Fine, then I was like Pinocchio before that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.
Amy: There you go.

Penny: Hey, we're going to dinner. You want to come?
Sheldon: Oh, I wish I could, but I realized I've become too emotionally vulnerable, so, like an operating system, I'm restoring my life to the last stable version, which was in 2003, the day before I met Leonard.
Leonard: You heard him, no.

Penny: Hang on. Wait, you actually think it's 2003?
Sheldon: No, just because I'm living my life like it was 12 years ago doesn't mean I'm delusional.
And since it is 2003, I don't know who you are, so please exit the premises before I call the police on my stylish new flip phone.

Sheldon: I appreciate your interest in the apartment. I just need to ask you a few standard questions.
Applicant: Sure.
Sheldon: It says here you're a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches?
Applicant: Is that supposed to be a joke?
Sheldon: Looks like argon's not the only one with an attitude problem.

Sheldon: In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now?

Sheldon: I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is, "Why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm?" But then I realized what I really want to ask you is, "Can you just go?"

Sheldon: You're healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I've got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you're the frontrunner.
Amy: (via video chat) I'm not gonna be your roommate, Sheldon.
Sheldon: But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phony Chris Pratt never tweeted me back.

Penny: I'm proud of you. You're taking this really well.
Sheldon: Well, it's not like I'm never going to see you two again. Which brings us to article 23 subsection C. Please check here to reserve your spot at the ten year roommate reunion.
Leonard: Do I really have to do that now?
Sheldon: No, but if you want chicken and get stuck with the fish, that's on you.

Sheldon: Oh, and lastly, please initial here to confirm that ownership of the living room couch is hereby transferred to me in perpetuity all throughout the universe and all alternate universes except for those universes where owning a couch is forbidden by the hive queen. In which case, all glory to the hive queen.

Sheldon: Thank you for letting me come speak with you.
Bernadette: Of course.
Sheldon: As my relationships with Penny and Amy are currently strained, I'm turning to you for female comfort and encouragement.
Bernadette: Aww, I'm honored.
Sheldon: I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard's mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap. And after a while Siri started repeating her answers.
Bernadette: So, I'm your seventh choice.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know, top ten. Pretty exciting.

Sheldon: Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard's moving in with Penny. It's difficult not to feel abandoned.
Bernadette: Well, why don't you look at this as an opportunity? You had other roommates before Leonard. Maybe this is a chance to find someone new.
Sheldon: Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face.
Chris Pratt's all the rage right now. I wonder how he'd feel about taking the smaller bedroom.

Bernadette: You know who would be the perfect roommate?
Sheldon: Gandalf, but he's a smoker.

Sheldon: What a wonderful day, thank you.
Penny: Oh, we're glad you had fun.
Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to The Container Store? It's like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.

Leonard: I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddie. You're a young man.
Sheldon: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I'm 90.