Quotes from ‘The Santa Simulation’

The Santa Simulation

'The Santa Simulation' - Season 6, Episode 11

While the guys play Dungeons and Dragons and Sheldon is haunted by the memories of Christmas past, Raj joins the girls for ladies' night.

Air Date: December 13, 2012.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Oh man, first monster I see I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand and shoot my magic all over his ass!
Stuart: Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

Quote from Raj

Raj: Doesn't anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you've got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me.
Stuart: Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Okay Sheldon, to start our quest, you need to open this little Christmas gift I got you.
Sheldon: Christmas? You know I don't enjoy Christmas?
Stuart: Why not?
Sheldon: Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words 'tis' and 'twas'. And the absurd custom of one stocking.
Everybody knows that socks comes in pairs. Who uses one sock?
Howard: A pirate with a peg leg?
Sheldon: Actually, that helps, thank you.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They're my third favourite system of transmitting the written word, after stone tablets and sky-writing.
You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that's a saucy twist. That leader's name: Santa Claus.
No, no, no!
Leonard: Its actually ho, ho, ho, but you'll get the hang of it.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: You come to the end of the tunnel and find a large chest. What do you do? And, Howard, do not say, I feel up the large chest.
Howard: Excuse me. I'm a married man now. I wasn't going to say anything so juvenile.
Leonard: Great. What do you do?
Howard: I walk up to the large chest, bury my face in it and go blublublublublublublublu!

Quote from Sheldon

Stuart: My carpal tunnel is acting up.
Sheldon: Play through the pain.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Okay, there are ogre tracks and a trail of broken candy canes in the snow. Sheldon, what do you do?
Sheldon: I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat by making a gesture that says get a load of this guy.

Quote from Bernadette

Amy: It's fine. I'm used to being the girl who never gets looked at twice. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 22. And the guy only did it so I'd give him back his insulin.
Bernadette: Sometimes the pancreas wants what the pancreas wants.

Quote from Sheldon

Santa: (By a cannon, pointed at Sheldon) This is for leaving me in the dungeon to be eaten alive by ogres!
Sheldon: Wait, uh, uh, hang on. In my defense
Santa: Ho, ho, ho, ya big dork. (Fires cannon)

Quote from Stuart

Leonard: I got them on Amazon.
Stuart: Sure, I get it. Why support a friend when you can support a multinational conglomerate that is crushing the life out of that friend?
Leonard: I know, but when I shop online I can do it on the toilet.
Stuart: Have you seen my store? The whole place is a toilet.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Ooh! Girls' night, girls' night. Ooh, ooh!
Stuart: How does he not hear that?

Quote from Raj

Raj: Okay. Well, a couple of things. Don't tell them I come from money. I want them to love me for me. They must be insanely hot. Like nines or tens.
Penny: Nines or tens?
Raj: Okay, an eight is acceptable if she's willing to bring another eight to the hot tub.
Bernadette: Bottom line, you'll take any woman who'll have you, right?
Raj: In a New Delhi minute.

Quote from Howard

Sheldon: Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslas from the beloved Victorian Christmas carol.
Howard: Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy.

Quote from Stuart

Stuart: I gotta tell you, this is the most holiday fun I've had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool.
Howard: Good story.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he'd been there because the paper would be graded.
Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.
Leonard: It wasn't amazing. I got a C- four years in a row.
Sheldon: Yeah, I'm familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.

Quote from Amy

Amy: You think that's bad? In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with more clothes on.

Submit Quotes