Sheldon: Attention, everyone. I'm Sheldon Cooper. As those of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.
Barry Kripke: Off a cliff.

Barry Kripke: Someone call Animal Control. There's a cougar on the loose.
Beverly Hofstadter: Barry, stop.
Leonard: Seriously, Barry, stop.

Barry Kripke: Let me ask you a question. At what point did National Public Radio have to start scraping the bottom of the barrel for its guest? Don't answer, it's rhetorical.

Sheldon: Kripke, what would you say to the idea of you and I becoming friends?
Barry Kripke: I would say "I have no interest in becoming your friend".

Barry Kripke: Nobody cares, Hofstadter. Wrap it up.

Barry Kripke: Listen to me. Not westauwant, westauwant. See, total cwap. You suck, Siwi!

Leonard: Hey, Barry, we're in trouble. We need liquid helium. Does the department have any we can use?
Barry Kripke: Sorry, there's a shortage. And what we do have I need for my quantum excitation study.
Sheldon: But you won't need much for that.
Barry Kripke: True, but if it's successful, I'm having a party with balloons.

Barry Kripke: (Knocking) Hello! Some of us need to check our hair because we might have a shot with Leonard's mother.

Penny: Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he's a little embarrassed, so let's all be extra nice, okay?
Barry Kripke: What are you looking at me for? I'm a saint. (chuckles) But a sinner in the sack.

Sheldon: It's happening! [phone chimes] Unknown caller. It's got to be them.
Amy: Okay, put it on speaker.
Sheldon: Hello?
Amy: Hi.
Barry Kripke: Hello. This is Sweden calling. Is this Dr. Cooper and Dr. Fowler?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: Yeah.
Barry Kripke: Congratulations. It is my pleasure to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize in being suckers!

Barry Kripke: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn't tell me we were doing this just to stick it to Sheldon.
Leonard: Well-
Barry Kripke: I messing with you. This sundae just got a cherry on top!

Leonard: Uh, so, look, I'm here to ask you to give Sheldon and Amy the Athenaeum for their wedding.
Barry Kripke: (laughs) Why would I do that?
Leonard: Because deep down, Barry, you're a really good guy.
Barry Kripke: But am I?

Barry Kripke: Oh God, I hate that guy.
Sheldon: That's strange; you seem quite fond of him.
Barry Kripke: I was only being polite. Pemberton is a grade A weasel.
Sheldon: How do I know you're not just being polite when you say it's nice to see me?
Barry Kripke: I have literally never said that to you.

Amy: I don't know, Barry. It sounds a little sleazy.
Barry Kripke: Well, let me know if you change your mind. Sleazy is where I thrive.

Sheldon: You see. People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.
Barry Kripke: Not true. People have been pointing and laughing at you your whole life.