Bernadette: Things going well with you and Sheldon living together?
Amy: Better than ever. He asks about my day, takes an interest in my life. He's like my boyfriend in college, except he's real, so people can see him.
Bernadette: I've been seeing him for years. I'm still not convinced he's real.

Bernadette: It's okay, I'm just being emotional about this. Can you not tell Howard?
Stuart: Well, don't you think it'd be healthier if you told him what's going on with you?
Bernadette: Don't you think it'd be healthier if you had your own apartment, grown man?
Stuart: Your secret is safe with me.

Howard: Learning anything?
Bernadette: Well, sloth babies cling to their mothers' bodies for almost a year. I'm going back to work after only four months. So, I've learned I hate myself, I hate sloths, and I hate you for bringing me here.

Penny: Did you know last weekend Priya took Leonard rollerblading at the beach? Can you believe that?
Bernadette: I feel like I'm supposed to say that bitch, but I don't have enough information.
Penny: I am the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. And he was so phobic about stepping on medical waste, I had to carry him to the water.
Bernadette: I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.

Penny: So what's the thanks I get for turning Leonard into quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend.
Amy: I think you're on.
Bernadette: Oh. That bitch!

Bernadette: At least he can still clean the oven, so that's something.
Sheldon: Oh, that's what he thinks. Where's your steel wool?
Bernadette: (picks it up from her lap) Right here.
Sheldon: We make quite the team.
Bernadette: Sure do!

Leonard: That's right. It must be on my old laptop.
Raj: Well, let's go.
Howard: Hey, Bernie, you mind if I run to Leonard's and-
Bernadette: Get a laptop full of money? Why are you still here?! Go, go, go!

Bernadette: The thing is, my mother worked full-time. I had to take care of my brothers and sisters.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Bernadette: Ugh, it was horrible. With their snotty noses and their poopy diapers and their little shrieky voices, always complaining. I don't want to get dressed. Joey keeps spitting in my mouth. This isn't the way Mom makes waffles. Well, okay, put your hand in here. Let's see how you like this waffle!

Bernadette: Oh, I take pacts very seriously. One time at my lab, a petri dish of genetically modified super-virus went missing. That day we made a pinky swear never to admit we crossed Ebola with the common cold.
Howard: Why the hell would you cross Ebola with the common cold?
Bernadette: We never did. That would be a terrible, terrible thing.

Leonard: Maybe it is a little like Penny. Any chance she'll be flattered?
Bernadette: I don't know. She's pretty mean.
Leonard: Ilsa or Penny?
Bernadette: Exactly.

Penny: Okay, we're gonna start with some nice breathing exercises. (inhales, exhales)
Bernadette: Sorry. I can't think of anything except how flat your belly is.
Penny: Oh, thank you.
Bernadette: Go put on some more clothes, you bitch.

Penny: Well, do you know how that makes me look?
Bernadette: Uh, that's an easy one: bad.
Penny: Well, why didn't you tell her that you didn't like the dress, either? I mean, what happened to our united front?
Bernadette: I'm sorry. Is this your first day being a girl?

Howard: Enjoying your book?
Bernadette: So much.
Howard: Why do you keep poking at it?
Bernadette: Fine, I'm shopping on my phone.
Howard: You're the one who said you wanted to read more.
Bernadette: Yes, I also tell people I only feed the kids organic. It's just stuff you say.

Penny: You know, not everyone needs to have kids to be fulfilled.
Bernadette: You're right, you've got Leonard. What more do you need?

Penny: Okay, listen, I'm really worried about this whole Raj thing.
Bernadette: I know, he's so desperate to get married, which is weird, because I can't imagine we make it look that great.
Penny: I know, right?