Amy: Is there anything we can do?
Bernadette: Sure. Open up a college fund, shop for life insurance, and in the laundry room, there's a mountain of dirty laundry. Wash it or burn in, your choice.

Bernadette: How can she hate me? I make her food in my chest! It's like hating a frozen yogurt machine.

Howard: I've worked with Hawking. He's got a great sense of humor. And I think he'd like it.
Bernadette: Okay, call him and show him. I dare you.
Howard: I have no problem calling him.
Bernadette: Fine, then do it.
Howard: Fine, I will.
Bernadette: While you're bothering the world's most famous scientist, be sure to show him how funny he looks getting stuck under our dishwasher.

Howard: There's a baby in there.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah, that's where I put it.

Bernadette: I'm clearly upset. Why aren't you following me?

Howard: That's great, now they know where I live.
Raj: What are you talking about? They've always known where you live.
Bernadette: Yeah, if you want to go off the grid, you have to move out of your mother's house.

Bernadette: Are you kidding? I've always been treated differently! Look at me. Listen to me. I mean, the first thought when you see me isn't, "That's a scientist." It's, "I wonder if her mommy knows where she is."

Bernadette: Apple slices? What kind of lunatic goes to McDonald's and gets fruit?

Bernadette: Well, my boss said he hadn't decided yet, so I gently reminded him that he's an old rich white guy, and I'm a sweet little pregnant lady who's not afraid to cry in front of a jury.

Bernadette: I had a plan. I kept leaving Dove bar wrappers around to explain any weight gain.
Amy: Where did you get empty Dove bar wrappers?
Bernadette: From all the Dove bars I ate! I'm pregnant! Try to keep up!

Bernadette: I now pronounce you husband and wife. And weird other husband who came with the apartment.

Bernadette: I've got to go. I've got to get up early. My company's testing a new steroid that supposedly doesn't shrink testicles, and the last one there has to do the measuring.

Penny: What am I gonna do?
Bernadette: I don't know. You can't take it down. You'll break her heart. Look at that face. That enormous, unsettling, crazy face.
Penny: Is there any chance I'll learn to love it?
Bernadette: That depends. Do you like pictures of yourself where you look like a man?

Penny: All right, it's got to go.
Bernadette: What will you tell Amy?
Penny: How about I tell her the painting makes you feel jealous because you're not in it?
Bernadette: Nuh-uh. What if she gets me one? I already have a picture of me and Howard's mom getting our hair cornrowed in Venice Beach. I've suffered enough.

Howard: Okay, just to set the record straight, I didn't hire the prostitute, she was a gift from him. Shame on you, Raj. That is not how we treat women in this country.
Bernadette: Don't you try and blame this on him.
Raj: Thank you, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Zip it, pervert!