Penny: As opposed to the leading nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory, our product greatly reduces the risk of ulcers. So it won't burn a hole in your stomach.
Bernadette: And it won't burn a hole in your wallet, either!
Penny: Thank you. I got this. It's a brand new day!

Bernadette: Wow, we got a pretty good crowd here.
Penny: I know. But not as big as that booth. What's going on over there?
Bernadette: Yeah, that's Chantix. Ray Liotta's signing autographs until 2:00.

Bernadette: So what did he want?
Penny: Nothing.
Karen: He offered her a job.
Bernadette: No one likes a tattletale, Karen. So, what's up, traitor?
Penny: Dammit, Karen.

Bernadette: I can't believe you took his business card.
Penny: I can't believe we're still talking about this. He handed it to me. What was I supposed to do?
Bernadette: Hand it back to him and tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine.
Penny: You are not serious.
Bernadette: Serious as the hepatitis their cholesterol medication gave thousands of people.
Penny: Did it?
Bernadette: Maybe.

Bernadette: Don't be so naive. They're our number one competitor. They have a rival drug coming out with a name I wish we thought of. Forsootha. It's got "soothe" right in it. How did we miss that?

Bernadette: I can't believe this is how you thank me.
Penny: I thanked you by thanking you. And I sent you that fancy box of pears.
Bernadette: What am I supposed to do with 20 pears? Have a pear party?

Bernadette: That's not an offer. Do you know how amazing this girl is?
Penny: Aw. You think I'm amazing?
Bernadette: Stay out of this.

Penny: Can I just see what he wrote on the napkin?
Bernadette: What napkin?

Howard: Kids asleep?
Bernadette: Nope. I've been trying to get them down for hours. Apparently, Halley's afraid of the dark now and I can't turn on the night-light 'cause it makes Michael cry.
Howard: Why doesn't he like the night-light?
Bernadette: Jot that down, we can ask him as soon as he learns to speak. We can also find out what's so damn funny about birds.

Howard: Hey. You still mad?
Bernadette: Are you still a jackass?

Bernadette: What if you fell? What if you got hurt? I don't want to raise two small children and one large vegetable.

Bernadette: You know what? I'm done talking about this. Do whatever you want.
Howard: I will!
Bernadette: I just want you to ask yourself if that tiny, ridiculous scooter is the hill you want to die on.

Howard: I have a question about the aliens you found.
Raj: That's not what I said, Howard.
Bernadette: Hold on a second. Do you two know each other?

Bernadette: I'm just saying, Sheldon and Amy deserve to win, and sometimes that means doing what you got to do.
Howard: Don't you think it's better to take the high road?
Bernadette: Yeah, and instead of guns, armies should carry candy canes that shoot wishes.

Bernadette: When we first met, there was another waitress at The Cheesecake Factory who thought you were cute, so I told her you had all the hepatitises, A through Z.
Howard: There aren't 26 hepatitises.
Bernadette: Well, if she was smart enough to know that, she wouldn't still be working at a Cheesecake Factory.