Beverly: Penny, it's only natural to want your mother-in-law to like you, and I acknowledge I can be an intimidating person. So what can I do to make this process easier for you?
Penny: Uh, for starters, maybe you can not psychoanalyze everything I say?
Beverly: And how does it make you feel when I psychoanalyze everything you say?
Penny: Uncomfortable.
Beverly: That was a joke, dear.
Penny: Oh. Sorry. Didn't know you made those.

Leonard: And, of course, Mom.
Alfred Hofstadter: Hello, my hateful shrew.
Beverly Hofstadter: Hello to you, you wrinkled old bastard.
Sheldon: All right, now I'm starting to sense a little tension.

Amy: This isn't about me and Sheldon. This is about Rajesh moving in with Leonard and Penny.
Beverly Hofstadter: Interesting. They've found a need to take yet another roommate. Seems they're avoiding some harsh realities themselves.
Sheldon: I had no idea all our relationships were such a disaster. Boy, you're good.
Beverly Hofstadter: That is the word on the street, dear.

Leonard: So, Mother, what's new?
Beverly Hofstadter: You'll have to be more specific.
Leonard: All right. Uh, what's new with you?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, well, I've been having some fascinating menopausal symptoms recently.
Leonard: Maybe something less personal.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh. Your Uncle Floyd died.
Leonard: Oh, my God. What happened?
Beverly Hofstadter: His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate.

Penny: What's up?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, I enjoyed our conversation the other day, and I was hoping to continue it.
Penny: Really?
Beverly Hofstadter: Uh, yes. You may find this surprising, but I don't have a lot of what you would call girlfriends.
Penny: (exaggerated) What?
Beverly Hofstadter: Of course, there are my female colleagues, but, uh, they're all Freudians, so the only boy that I can dish about is my father. (chuckles)

Leonard: I want to know, why aren't you proud of me?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, isn't the real question, "Why aren't you proud of yourself?"
Leonard: No, that is a question - and I ask it a lot - but let's stick with the one I asked you.
Beverly Hofstadter: But why do you think I'm not proud of you?
Leonard: Because you never say it. But two days into chatting with Penny, and you can't stop telling her how great she is.
Beverly Hofstadter: She is great. Honestly, of all of my children's spouses, she's the one that I'm most impressed by.
Leonard: Seriously?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. She's confident, she's thoughtful, and she never complained about you once. I know what kind of strength that takes.

Beverly Hofstadter: If you need any more help from me, my books are available on Amazon. Logging off.

Leonard: I mean, I-I didn't intend to write about Penny, but I guess maybe subconsciously I did.
Beverly Hofstadter: I believe you mean "unconsciously," dear.
Leonard: Yeah, sure. You know, it would be nice if you didn't correct me all the time.
Beverly Hofstadter: It would be nice if I didn't have to.

Leonard: How was your flight?
Beverly Hofstadter: There were some parents with a baby. A lot of crying.
Leonard: Well, babies do that.
Beverly Hofstadter: No, it was the parents. It seems they couldn't handle some constructive criticism.

Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of fathers, Leonard, I'm divorcing yours.
Leonard: What?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, he was cheating on me.
Leonard: No.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. With some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress! Oh, no offense dear!

Penny: We're not in a rush. We'll set a date when the time is right.
Mary Cooper: It doesn't matter, sweetie. The moment a man lays with a woman, they are married in the eyes of the Lord.
Beverly Hofstadter: Ugh.

Leonard: I change my answer. It's amazing. It's hot. We can barely keep our hands off each other.
Beverly Hofstadter: Seems odd to try and impress your mother with your sexual prowess. But then, you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex.

Beverly Hofstadter: It's all right, Sheldon. I will just pretend Leonard's not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioral ticks that accompanied you learning to masturbate.

Beverly Hofstadter: Excuse me, Leonard. I'm the one getting a divorce, Mitsy's dead, why are you the one making a fuss?

Beverly Hofstadter: I've been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982.
Penny: Yikes.
Beverly Hofstadter: *laughs*
Penny: What's so funny?
Beverly Hofstadter: That's exactly what I say during orgasms: "yikes".