Leonard: What do you think about giving Sheldon's ticket to Stuart?
Raj: I don't know. Have you ever seen a movie with Stuart before?
Howard: It's like going with your grandpa. Instead of eating popcorn, he brings little pieces of chicken in Tupperware and a Thermos full of soup.

Howard: Son of a bitch! He bit me!
Bernadette: Are you okay?
Howard: No, I'm not okay! Wild rabbits can have rabies!
Bernadette: Oh. Well, why did you put your finger near its mouth?
Howard: Poor judgment, obviously.
Bernadette: He's so little. I'm sure it's fine.
Howard: How can it be fine? I just got attacked by a clearly anti-Semitic wild animal.

Howard: Look at you. Willy Wonka would roll you to the juicing room.

Sheldon: Gentlemen, the most interesting thing just happened with this spoon.
Howard: Unless it was singing "Be Our Guest," I doubt it.

Howard: Ugh. This mu-shu pork is burning a hole through me duodenum.
Raj: Leviticus 11:3 "Only that which parteth the hoof and cheweth the cud among the beasts shall ye at."
Howard: Hey, do I mock you with the Bhagavad-Gita every time you scarf down a whopper?

Wolowitz: I would like a slippery nipple.

Leonard: How is my day-old marriage falling apart becoming about you two?
Raj: Hang on. (To Howard) What do I need to do to make you trust me?
Howard: You think it's hard having one wife? Try having two!

Howard: I have got to learn how to draw.

Leonard: You slipped and fell into a robot hand?
Wolowitz: Yes
Raj: Penis first?
Wolowitz: Yes!

Raj: Oh, okay, great. Now, I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman, instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today.
Howard: All right, you can suck it in a little bit.

Howard: Hey, it's not like cotton candy comes out of you.

Howard: I think he's taking this Professor Proton thing pretty hard.
Raj: Should we try to console him?
Howard: Or should we respect his privacy in this moment of grief?
Raj: By staying here and watching the movie?
Howard: That's what good friends would do!

Howard: Would you like me to play some Polish music while you carry her to the toilet?
Bernadette: You are a putz.
Howard: As advertised.

Sheldon: I'm not asking for me. I'm asking for Hawking.

Wolowitz: Let me try it gangsta, hellz naw!

Howard: When I was starting to do magic in junior high, I thought I could be an escape artist like Harry Houdini.
Raj: How did that work out?
Howard: Pretty good. I managed to escape friends, popularity, and every party thrown in a twelve mile radius.