Howard: Hey, I'm damaged, too. How about a hug for Howie?

Howard: I know the type. Cheerleader, student council, goes out with the jocks, won't even look at anybody in the gifted program. If after 2 years of begging, she agrees to go out with you, it turns out to be a setup and you're in your mom's car with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you. *sobbing*

Howard: It's a small, brown paper bag, ma, I'm looking at it right now. Why would I make that up? There's no Ding Dong in it. How are two Ding Dongs tomorrow gonna help me today?

Howard: You know, Sheldon, you don't have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.

Howard: The only thing we need to do is make this Kim kid lose his focus.
Leonard: That won't happen, he's not interested in anything but physics.
Howard: What about biology?
Leonard: What?
Howard: You know, biology? The one thing that can completely derail a world class mind.

Leonard: Howard, he's fifteen.
Howard: Yeah, so, when I was fifteen I met Denise Palmeri and my grade point average fell from a 5.0 to a 1.8.
Raj: She was sleeping with you?
Howard: No, I just wasted a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if she did.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard it's the phone!
Howard: I know it's the phone ma! I hear the phone!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who is calling at this ungodly hour?
Howard: I don't know!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Well ask them why are they calling at this ungodly hour!
Howard: How can I ask them when I'm talking to you?

Sheldon: (On the phone) Howard, I'm sick.
Howard: (Hesitating, Imitating Mrs. Wolowitz) Howard's sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?
Sheldon: I need soup!
Howard: (Imitating Mrs. Wolowitz) Then call your own mother.

Wolowitz: Take your stinking paws off my popcorn, you damn dirty ape.

Howard: It was Sheldon.
Leonard: I tried to stop you.
Howard: It's my own fault. I forgot the protocol we put in place after the great ear infection of '06.

Raj: Well if you leave now, you can be back before the gorillas rip the crap out of Charlton Heston.
Howard: Unless Sheldon's there, in which case you'll be trapped forever in his whiny hyper neurotic snot-web.

Howard: Alright, you're close enough to Sheldon's room, deploy the sensor. Now turn it on.
Leonard: It wasn't on?
Howard: No.
Leonard: Then why did I have to crawl?
Howard: Oh, I guess you didn't.
Leonard: Okay, it's on.
Howard: Good. From this point forward you will have to crawl.
Leonard: I know!

Howard: Wait a minute, Farminfarmian is speaking and you're bogarting the symposium?
Leonard: Howard, I'm sorry. We're-
Howard: No, no. You're quark-blocking us.

Howard: No, it's okay, it's your Millenium Falcon. You and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening.

Sheldon: If I'm not taking credit for our work, then nobody is!
Leonard: So, you admit that it's our work!
Sheldon: No, once again I'm throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome.
Howard: Oh no he didn't!