Penny: The theater is above a bowling alley, so it's a little noisy, but it might be the only chance I'll ever get to play Anne Frank. And the director is brilliant. He uses the bowling sounds as, like, Nazi artillery.

Howard: Flesh-eating bacteria. And yet, I still want to kiss this woman, what does that tell you?
Penny: That you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off-chance you'd get to second base?

Penny: Okay, this is about science. Why'd you come to me?
Sheldon: Well, because it's also about my reputation. And somehow you manage to hold your head high despite your checkered past.
Penny: Checkered past?
Sheldon: It's a figure of speech referring to how sexually promiscuous you were.
Penny: Really? Well, I've got a figure of speech about how sexually promiscuous you can go be with yourself.

Raj: So Ruchi and I decided to keep things casual.
Penny: (scoffs)
Raj: What? What? I can handle casual.
Penny: (scoffs)
Raj: Oh, why do you keep doing that with your face?
Penny: Because you keep saying stupid things with yours.

Leonard: Do you remember when you were a kid and you'd watch Professor Proton?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: Well, did he ever make you-- I don't know-- hate science and the people who do it?
Sheldon: What are you saying?
Leonard: I just think it would be better if your contempt for children wasn't so much in the foreground.
Sheldon: Well, you want me to lie?
Penny: Well, it's not lying. It's acting. Sheldon Cooper may not like kids, but Professor Proton loves them.
Sheldon: Interesting. You know, I hadn't really thought of it that way. It's similar to how I'm afraid of dogs, but my D&D character likes dogs, you know? But he's allergic, so he can't be around them.
Penny: Why don't we have a dog?

Penny: I cannot believe you're mad.
Leonard: I'm not mad.
Penny: Oh, really? Tell that to your eyebrows. Bet I could place a quarter between them, and it would just stay there.

Bernadette: You're gonna make me forget I've been stuck in bed while a baby uses my bladder as a kickball?
Penny: Hey, you had unprotected sex with Howard. You deserve to be miserable.

Penny: I'm so sorry to hear about you and Howard.
Bernadette: Thanks. I just didn't think he was the kind of guy who would be doing weird stuff online.
Penny: Really? Wow, I thought it was so obvious, but okay.

Penny: Look, I know it's hard, but I think the best thing to do after a breakup is to take some time and be by yourself.
Bernadette: Yeah, that's healthy.
Zack: Hey, babe, ready to go?
Penny: Do as I say, not as I do.

Penny: I went out with him because he's great. And if I kept going out with him, I probably would've married him, and that's a little scary because I just don't think I'm ready for that. You know, plus I have got to learn how to spell Hofstadter. I-I know there's a "D" in there, but it keeps moving every time I try and write it.

Penny: Is this your only tie?
Leonard: Ah. Technically yes, but, if you'll notice, it's reversible. So it works as two.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, I don't think it even works as one.

Leonard: It's just a day trip, but we could take the ferry out to Catalina.
Penny: Great, let's do it.
Sheldon: (rushing in to the apartment) Amy's in the bathroom and I need to - (retches, bathroom door shuts, vomits loudly)
Penny: It's like I can hear the ocean already.

Penny: Hey, what you doing?
Leonard: Oh. Sheldon gave me a brain teaser. It's kind of fun. It's about a group of people at dinner, and you have to figure out where they can sit without fighting.
Penny: Oh, yeah, is this the one where Mr. Green can't sit next to anyone eating meat, and Uncle Light Blue won't sit next to any of the darker colors?

Leonard: And Amy's your best friend. I'm sure she'll come to her senses and pick you.
Penny: Okay, she's not my best friend. We're not 12. If she wants Bernadette to be her maid of honor, I really don't care.
Leonard: Sounds like you care.
Penny: No, I mean, it-it's just annoying. You know, we talk every day. We see each other all the time. She's always there for me, and basically-- oh, my God, Amy's my best friend.
Leonard: You okay?
Penny: No, my best friend didn't ask me to be her maid of honor. I'm pissed!

Penny: You know what? It's fine. Write whatever you want. And by the way, Logan Dean can tell everyone he's five-eight, but he's not fooling anybody!