Sheldon: I have mixed feelings about interviews. I like the part where I talk, but I do not like the part where the other man talks.

Sheldon: An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.
Leonard: Did they hate it?
Sheldon: No, no, they loved it. They couldn't say enough nice things about it.
Leonard: So what's the problem?
Sheldon: You know how the pennysaver only has my name on it?
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: They didn't mention you in the article, only me.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: I know. It's not fair. *massages Leonard's shoulders* Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles, except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let's keep those going.

Howard: What now?
Sheldon: I have to go to the bathroom.
Howard: You just went to the bathroom.
Sheldon: But I didn't use it because it didn't seem safe. Despite all my emails, the toilet didn't have a seatbelt.
Howard: Well, it still doesn't.
Sheldon: I realize that but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.

Leonard: Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone?
Sheldon: I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic Twitter. I even changed my Facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don't know what else to do.

Howard: I'm an astronaut and you know it. You just don't like admitting it because you're jealous.
Sheldon: Well, truth be told, as a child I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Because it made me realize they'll just send anyone up there.

Leonard: Why should I do something? You're the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Sheldon: Well, yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd just simply restrained yourself, none of this would be happening.

Sheldon: In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal Wrath of Khan: "He tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him."
Raj: No doubt! Sign here.
Sheldon: (Signing) "From hell's heart, I stab at thee."

Penny: What exactly do you think goes on here?
Sheldon: Well, conversations that you wouldn't be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men's buttocks and how you want to pat and squeeze them.

Penny: So, how was paint ball? Did you have fun?
Sheldon: If you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear a space on your calendar. There will be an inquiry.

Sheldon: I've been sitting in garbage!

Sheldon: Now to business. Eighteen years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven't I heard back yet?
Agent Page: Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate.
Sheldon: That's of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning faeces off its shoes.

Sheldon: I need my wrist brace. All this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury.

Penny: Oh, please, it's not a time machine, if anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Sheldon: It only moves in time, it would be worse than useless in a swamp.

Sheldon: Oh, no, not Morlocks, not flesh eating Morlocks! Help!

Sheldon: Another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess.
Howard: Shiksa. Shiksa.
Sheldon: Forgive me, Yiddish was not spoken in East Texas, and if it was, it wasn't spoken for long.