Sheldon: I'd like to have a talk about relationships.
Raj: You were supposed to have the talk with him.

Sheldon: If you plan on having children I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.

Sheldon: Why do you hate me?
Amy: I don't hate you. I love you.
Sheldon: Well, you call it love but it has a lot of raisins in it.

Sheldon: I don't understand why women insist on making a big production about buying clothes.
Penny: You're right. We should do what you do, have our mom send us pants from the Wal-Mart in Houston.
Sheldon: They have a man there who understands my personal style.

Sheldon: Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.
DMV Worker: Look at that sign up there.
Sheldon: Yes?
DMV Worker: Does it say I give a damn?
Sheldon: No.
DMV Worker: That's because I don't.

Penny: Cool! Whose head did I just blow off?
Sheldon: Mine!

Sheldon's computer: We are out of herbal tea. Do you have any?
Penny: Okay, let me check.
Sheldon's computer: Some hiney would be nice.
Penny: Hiney?
Sheldon's computer: Honey.

Penny: Okay, did you even know the people that are moving out?
Sheldon: I never met them. That's what made them perfect. There were no awkward hellos in the halls. There's no clickety-clackety of high-heel shoes on hardwood floors. They may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape. And without that annoying ammonia urine smell.

Sheldon: You're my 15th favorite technological visionary.
Steve Wozniak: Only 15th?
Sheldon: It's still six spots above Steve Jobs.

Sheldon: The need to find another human being to share one's life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I'm so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own.

Sheldon: My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.
Alex: What?
Sheldon: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.

Leonard: Buddy, I get that you're worried about me and I appreciate that, but I'm not going to die.
Sheldon: You don't know that.
Leonard: I do know that it won't be from an asteroid strike.
Sheldon: You know who else said that? Every cocky T-Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

Sheldon: Mmm. [in Mandarin] Your monkey sleeps inside me.

Priya: Would you like some homemade chili?
Sheldon: Are there beans in it?
Priya: Yes.
Sheldon: Then it's not chili. Real chili has no beans in it. But you're from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.

Sheldon: (To his spot) Hello, old friend, Daddy's home.