Sheldon: Trust me, if I had a death ray I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.

Penny: Amy doesn't want a pocket watch.
Sheldon: Maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.

Sheldon: A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I'm okay with it, but I'm really not.

Sheldon: I'm writing an appeal to the faculty senate so that I can move on from string theory.
Leonard: How's it going?
Sheldon: You tell me. "Dear esteemed colleagues. As you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I'd be happy to explain it to you in words you'll understand."

Howard: We will, we will, percussive shock you.
Raj: We will, we will, percussive shock you.
Sheldon: Buddy, you're a boy, make a big noise, playin' in the street, gonna be a big man someday.
You got mud on your face, you big disgrace.
Kickin' your can all over the place.
I have an eidetic memory. Sometimes it's a curse.

Sheldon: It's me, Mrs. Wolowitz.
Howard: That's not my mom, it's Bernadette.
Sheldon: Really? That's very unsettling.

Leonard: It turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
*Sheldon karate chops Leonard*
Leonard: Why did you do that?
Sheldon: To send a message: She is not for you!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Not for you!

Sheldon: Damn you, walletnook.com!
Leonard: Problem?
Sheldon: The online description was completely misleading. They said 8 slots plus removable ID. To any rational person, that would mean room for nine cards. But they don't tell you the removable ID takes up one slot. It's a nightmare!

Sheldon: I'm taking a sabbatical because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.
Penny: So you got canned, huh?
Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get 'canned'. But yeah.

Sheldon: Oh yes, canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.

Sheldon: *Knock Knock Knock* Penny. *Knock Knock Knock* Penny.
Penny: *Opening her door* ... Penny.
Sheldon: That's just wrong.

*Penny enters the apartment without knocking*
Sheldon: Who is it? Hello, Penny. It's open, come in. Sarcasm.

Leonard: Sheldon. Don't make that noise, it's disrespectful.
Sheldon: I should hope so. It was a snort of derision.

Sheldon: That seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don't you have access to women who will do it for money?

Leonard: That was fast.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, the middle stall was occupied. I'll have to try again later.
Sheldon: That's totally understandable. In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it's location, location, location.