Bernadette: This is so great. Why don't we do it more often?
Amy: Because you have two kids, I have Sheldon, and Penny's apparently in the gym all the time, 'cause damn, look at her!
Bernadette: Yeah, so impressive how you manage to bounce back after having no babies.
Penny: Ah, another reason why we don't do this more often.

Penny: Did-did you send this over?
Zack: I did. I asked for the most expensive one they have. They said it was $200, and I said I want a more expensive one. And then, they said it was $300.
Amy: But it-it was the same-
Penny: Don't.

Penny: Thank you, but you shouldn't have spent so much.
Zack: Nah. It's cool. I sold my company for a boatload of money. And then I bought a boat. Then I got married. Guess where.
Amy: On your boat?
Zack: No, but that would've been awesome!

Leonard: Well, apparently, Zack sold his company for a ton of money and retired.
Sheldon: And that bothers you?
Leonard: I don't know. I mean I guess so. Yeah. It doesn't seem fair. I work hard.
I'm really smart. I've made substantial contributions to my field. But Zack gets to be rich, while I'm still working for a paycheck?
Sheldon: Well, a lot of people you don't know are rich. That doesn't seem to bother you. Mark Zuckerberg, Sultan of Brunei, Gordon Letwin.
Leonard: Who's that?
Sheldon: He's one of the first 11 employees of Microsoft.
Leonard: Yeah, well, I don't have to hang out with Gordon Letwin.
Sheldon: Well, that's too bad. He helped create the HPFS file system. Oh, the stories he could tell.

Leonard: So, uh, we gonna take this thing out?
Zack: Nah. It's a little choppy tonight.
Penny: Yeah, that's okay. This is nice, sitting under the stars. It's actually kind of peaceful.
Leonard: Well, it's a beautiful boat.
Zack: Thanks, man. We love it.
Marissa: Although, he's so tall he bangs his head almost every time he goes downstairs.
Zack: After the first couple, you don't even feel it.

Zack: So listen, I got to be honest. We sort of have another reason for asking you here.
Marissa: We want to have a baby, but we can't do it on our own.
Zack: It could be because of the game me and my frat brothers used to play where we kicked each other in the balls over and over. But the doc says there's no telling.
Marissa: We just don't know.
Leonard: Huh. You went to college.

Zack: Hey, you and Leonard should come over and have dinner with us on our boat.
Penny: Yeah, that would be so nice.
Bernadette: Leonard was just saying how he was hoping to have dinner with one of your ex-boyfriends on his expensive boat.
Zack: Well, then this worked out perfect!

Penny: And Leonard just stood there with a big, dumb smile on his face, like he was watching a puppy and a monkey make friends.
Bernadette: Well, I can see how he'd be flattered to be asked.
Penny: It's not flattering. It's creepy.
Amy: Well, something can be both flattering and creepy. You know, just the other night, Sheldon said that my feet looked like Richard Feynman's hands.

Dr. Koothrappali: Well, that's not going to be our story. Our story is that she's a liar. And-and old. An old, dirty liar.
Raj: Oh, no. She's-she's actually great. I'm the one who screwed up.
Dr. Koothrappali: Well, don't say that to them. She's bad. You're good. They have to pay me back for my wedding deposits.
Raj: (sighs) This is all my fault. I should have I should have just trusted her.
Dr. Koothrappali: So you're saying you still want to get married? Fine. Then I'll call her parents and we'll straighten this whole thing out.
Raj: I don't think she wants to marry me. And honestly she deserves someone better.
Dr. Koothrappali: Rajesh, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You're a good man.
Raj: Wow. Y-You've never told me that.
Dr. Koothrappali: You're also a dope.
Raj: That you've said.
Dr. Koothrappali: But your heart's in the right place, and you deserve happiness.
So you just need to figure out what you want, and if that means cancelling the wedding, we cancel the wedding.
Raj: Thank you.
Dr. Koothrappali: But figure it out quickly, or I'll be celebrating my next birthday with a lot more elephants and marigolds than I expected.

Leonard: Are you jealous?
Penny: I know, I know, I shouldn't be. He's super sweet. I should be happy for them.
Leonard: Oh, it's driving me crazy, too.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yes. I was trying to pretend like it wasn't so you wouldn't think I was petty.
Penny: Wha-- turns out we're both petty.
Leonard: I love you so much.
Penny: Aw.

Marissa: And Zack's always admired you because you're the smartest person he knows.
Penny: Okay, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. You know, this has been such a nice evening. Let's all just stop before anyone says any more things.
Zack: Leonard, would you be the father of our baby?
Penny: Aw, you said a thing.

Leonard: Wow, this is really flattering.
Penny: And also really weird, right?
Zack: Oh, just to be clear, you don't get to you know.
Leonard: No, I - I got it.
Zack: Just because I slept with your wife doesn't mean you get to sleep with mine.
Penny: We we get it, but thank you for saying it out loud.
Zack: You're welcome.

Marissa: I know it's a big ask, but it would mean so much to us.
Zack: Yeah, and we really don't want a stranger's, you know-
Leonard: I know.
Zack: -sperm.

Marissa: And Zack's always talked about what a great guy Leonard is.
Leonard: I (chuckles) I really don't know what to say.
Penny: Really? You don't know what to say?

Dr. Koothrappali: Did you install a camera to spy on your fiancee?
Raj: What?! No!
Dr. Koothrappali: That's what her parents told me when they said they were calling off the wedding. But I told them you would never do such a thing.
Raj: Thank you. I mean, I did install a camera and I did spy on her, but I did not install it to spy on her.

Howard: So I'm just supposed to lie to my friend?
Raj: I don't want you to lie to me.
Bernadette: No one's gonna lie to you. (whispers to Howard) Lie.

Penny: Really? So you'd be okay if someone wanted to use Sheldon as their sperm donor?
Amy: Oh, absolutely not. I am the only handmaid in this tale.

Bernadette: So Leonard's really considering this?
Penny: Yes. We got in a huge fight about it. He said, well, if I don't want to have his baby, then why shouldn't someone else be able to? Do you believe that? What?
Bernadette: Well, there is a deep-seated biological drive to pass on your genes. It's only natural.
Penny: So you're on his side?
Amy: Well, viewing Leonard as a mammal, it's perfectly understandable.
Bernadette: But viewing him as your husband, he stinks.
Amy: And we hate him.

Sheldon: They wanted you?
Leonard: Yes, Sheldon, they wanted me. I'm smart. I'm nice.
Sheldon: I'm smart. I'm nice. And I can eat cheese without clearing out a room.
Leonard: Are you upset he didn't ask you?
Sheldon: Of course not. I just think it's interesting that of all the people he knows, he thinks you're the best choice.
Leonard: Well, he does. I don't see why Penny is so against this.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps Penny's worried that you haven't considered the emotional toll of knowing there's a child out there who is biologically yours but not actually yours.
Leonard: Wow, that's really insightful.
Sheldon: Yeah, I'm taller than you and I don't have asthma.

Anu: But I warn you, I just got out of a weird relationship, and I might complain about my ex a lot.
Raj: Maybe he's being weird because he doesn't know how to ask for his ring back.

Leonard: All right, look, um I'm sorry that we fought before. I know this is a really unusual situation, and if you don't want me to do it, I won't.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yeah. We're a team. We're in this together.
Penny: I'll be right back.
Leonard: What is that?
Penny: It's a sample cup.
Leonard: Really? 'Cause it looks like the top off the NyQuil bottle.
Penny: It's the closest thing I could find. It's a gesture. Shut up.

Penny: They couldn't have picked a better person. [Leonard chuckles and picks up his phone] Are you calling Zack?
Leonard: No, Sheldon. Would you say that last part one more time?

Penny: So, Marissa, how did you guys meet?
Marissa: Oh, it's a pretty funny story. We met in a bookstore.
Leonard: That is funny.
Zack: Yeah, I was just there using the bathroom, but this one had a stack of books, like, this tall.
Penny: Oh. So, you really like to read?
Marissa: Oh, no. I work there.
Zack: Yeah, she is super smart. Seriously, you name, like, any book, she'll tell you if she's heard of it. Go on, try her.
Leonard: Oh, uh, well, uh Catcher in the Rye.
Marissa: Nope.
Zack: Look at that, Penny. I guess we both like nerds.

Raj: She says the only reason I'm marrying her is because all my friends are married, and I don't want to feel left out.
Howard: Oh, that's nonsense.
Raj: No. She's right.
Howard: (quietly to Bernadette) Now what do I say?

Howard: Honestly, I think you dodged a bullet. I don't think she was right for you.
Bernadette: Howie, shh.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: You can't bad-mouth Anu. They're gonna get back together, and you're gonna look like a jerk. I mean, remember when we broke up, and Penny said all those mean things about you?
Howard: What did she say?
Bernadette: I don't want to get into it. Some of it was hurtful, most of it was true.

Raj: I make one mistake, and she says she doesn't want to marry me. Like she never screwed up.
Bernadette: Did she?
Raj: Well, she agreed to marry me.

Leonard: Uh, do you remember Penny's ex-boyfriend Zack?
Sheldon: Leonard, I remember all of Penny's ex-boyfriends. If you'd like, I could list them alphabetically.
Leonard: No, thank you.
Sheldon: Fun fact. You would think Zack would be the last one on the list, but she also dated two Zekes.

Anu: Honestly, Raj, why do you even want to marry me?
Raj: You know, family and India and stuff.
Anu: Here's what I think. All of your friends are married, and you don't want to be left behind. And honestly, that's not a good enough reason.
Raj: Uh, okay, well, how is that different than what you're doing? Hmm? Worried that you wasted so many years dating the wrong people, and now, you're just looking for a shortcut.
Anu: You're right. It's not different.
Raj: Okay, so we agree.
Anu: Yeah.
Raj: Great. Wait. What did we just agree on?
Anu: That we shouldn't see each other anymore.
Raj: You know what? Why don't you shut the door, and I'll just do the cards?

Raj: Look, we both made mistakes. I am so sorry that I spied on you. I didn't mean to, but I know it was not okay. Now, do you want to apologize to me?
Anu: You also said you don't trust me and that you barely know me.
Raj: I really thought this would be more of a back-and-forth thing.

Anu: Go away, Raj! What are you doing?
Raj: I'm winning you back Love Actually style.
Anu: I don't know what that means.
Raj: Really? You've never seen Love Actually? If you want to watch it right now, I'll just wait.

Penny: And we ran into Zack.
Leonard: Oh. Yeah? How's he doing?
Penny: He got married.
Leonard: Oh. Well, that's nice.
Penny: Yeah, and he sold his company for a fortune and retired.
Leonard: Huh. And you ended up with me, so everybody wins.
Penny: Wait. You're not jealous of Zack, are you?
Leonard: What? Oh, absolutely not. In fact, he should be jealous of me because I have you. And a dungeon with over 30 rooms left unexplored because no one thought to search for secret doors under the wizard's throne.
Penny: Oh. You know, I'd like to go exploring.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Leonard: Well, I'll get the dice back out.

Leonard: How was ladies' night?
Penny: It was fun. Amy got drunk and kept telling us that Sheldon's chest is smooth like a porpoise.
Leonard: Well, it does squeak when you touch it.

Penny: How was game night?
Leonard: Oh, off the charts. Literally. Sheldon rolled a number so high, it wasn't on any of these charts.
Penny: (laughs) That's funny. Wow. I should not have driven home.

Leonard: Okay, the cyclops tells you that the enchantress you seek is staying at the Inn of the Dwarven Lords.
Sheldon: Really? An inn? Anu is a concierge at a hotel. That's a little insensitive, don't you think?
Raj: I hadn't noticed that before you mentioned it.
Sheldon: Well, now that I've mentioned it, how do you feel?
Raj: Bad.
Sheldon: Shame on you.

Penny: We're not gonna do anything.
Bernadette: Really? So all that work's for Leonard?

Greg: I have a bottle of champagne for you.
Bernadette: Oh, we didn't order this.
Greg: It's from the gentleman at the end of the bar.
Amy: Oh. Well, if we drink it, does that mean we're making a promise? 'Cause I am happily married, although I will watch.

Leonard: You've come to a giant metal door.
Sheldon: I check the door for traps.
Leonard: There are no traps.
Howard: I use my wizard eye to see what's on the other side of the door.
Sheldon: Hey, that's sort of like how you used a doorbell camera to spy on your fiancee.
Raj: No, it's nothing like that.
Leonard: Your wizard eye reveals a monster.
Howard: Oh. Is it alone and unloved?
Leonard: I guess.
Howard: I open the door and say, "Hey, Raj."