Mike: How do you not make a first down there?
Sheldon: They passed against a nickel defense. They should have run it off tackle.
Mike: How the hell do you know that?
Sheldon: My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.

Sheldon: This is how you're going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them?
Howard: How is this lying?
Sheldon: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You've chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister.
Raj: Can't you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain? Or up the butt?
Sheldon: If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon Lee Cooper, you get back in this room right now. And bring a mop!
Sheldon: Did you hear that? A mop! I've got two PHDs yet somehow I'm the janitor of my sister's birth canal.

Amy: This is nice that we all get to eat together.
The guys: Oh yeah, absolutely.
Amy: Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?
Sheldon: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs we don't have to.

Howard: You don't even have a license.
Sheldon: Actually, I do.
Howard: Really? Since when?
Sheldon: Three years ago. I went on a bit of a license kick. I'm also a commercial fisherman.

Sheldon: When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn't take some other job in case it didn't work. Which wasn't easy, because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson to be chalk monitor that year.

Raj: Okay. How about a little Miley Cyrus next?
Sheldon: Who's he?

Howard: Are you guys working together on that meteorite project?
Sheldon: (sighs) Yes, fine, you found me out. I'm doing geology. Just, please, don't tell anyone.
Bert: Are you embarrassed of me?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, not you. No, just the work that you've devoted your entire life to.

Amy: Sheldon, you've never cared what people thought, even when you really, really should. That dinner with my parents comes to mind.
Sheldon: If I'm not gonna use "your momma" jokes when I meet your mother, why'd I bother to learn them?

Sheldon: Therefore, the timeline in which 1955 Biff gets the almanac is also the timeline in which 1955 Biff never gets the almanac. And not just never gets, never have, never hasn't, never had have hasn't.

Sheldon: I told you, buying scalped tickets is against the rules. If you get caught you get banned for life. Life, Leonard. You're going to feel pretty silly when we're eighty years old and you have to drive me down there and sit in the car for three days.

Howard: She's actually been keeping herself busy doing wedding research for you.
Amy: Oh, she-she doesn't have to do that.
Howard: She wants to. After all, you were her maid of honor.
Amy: Sheldon, tell your funny story about pretzels.
Sheldon: Oh, right. Yeah, oh, yeah. Did you know that we've been thinking of having pretzels at our wedding? Hmm? No, no. No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. No, rhinos. We're having rhinos at our wedding.
No! (stammers) I got to go.

Sheldon: Well, don't feel bad. I think we've all been distracted since the girls entered our lives.
Howard: You admit Amy's a distraction.
Sheldon: Oh very much so. Listen to this. This is from two days ago. "Hi, hope you're having a good day." Who has time for this constant sexting?

Sheldon: Okay, stop ruining Valentine's day and order my pizza.

Sheldon: All right, Amy, you're up. Next decision.
Amy: Come on, first dance! Come on, first dance!
Sheldon: (runs computer randomizer) Invitations! Oh! That's a good one. Just a suggestion, hologram projected out of R2-D2.